In a controversial 5-4 decision, the American Egg Board voted to deem eggs ‘very unhealthy’ and advised the general public not to consume them.
“Eggs are gross,” said AEB spokesperson Howard Helmer to a throng of reporters in a hastily-arranged press conference. “They are literally liquid chickens! And do you know where they come from?” Seeing nothing but blank stares, he answered his own question. “Neither do we! It’s either the chicken’s anus or vagina, we know that much.” He stepped back from the podium and grunted loudly, mimicking laying an imaginary egg. “Any way you look at it, they’re disgusting.”
Eggs are unhealthy
Reiterating the AEB’s new stance, Helmer maintained that eggs are unhealthy. “They aren’t just unhealthy, but as our press release noted, very unhealthy,” he said. “You have to pile cheese, sour cream, or hot sauce on them just to make them tolerable.” He lifted his shirt, exposing his large belly. “That means they’ve got calories to make you fat, fat that make you fat, and the syrupy goo inside the shell makes you gag. Only someone as painfully stupid as Sylvester Stallone would drink them.”
Asked about their documented nutritional benefits, he waved the question away. “A couple of Flintstones chewables and a can of Beefaroni beats an egg any day.” He offered a wry smile. “Flintstones Powder Candy Straws would actually be better for you.”
Who should eat them?
The AEB spokesman took care to note that the board’s recommendation only applied to the general public. “Animals can eat them all they want,” he said. “Crazy people and prisoners, too. And if I were a Naked and Afraid contestant and had a choice between an egg or starving, well, I’d probably choose the egg,” he confessed. Seeing the reporters wincing at the idea of his nudity, Helmer quickly pulled his shirt back down.
Queried by a foreign member of the press if the board’s recommendation only applied to Americans, Helmer flashed a touch of annoyance. “We’re the American Egg Board, not the ‘Other Countries Egg Board’, he snapped. “If the people of your country want to poison themselves, whatever dude.”
Egg alternatives
Helmer suggested a number of alternatives to eggs. “There are plenty of options to chose from,” he offered. “Mashed bananas, raisin paste, beet purée, pea soup and chewing gum are all great substitutes for cooking,” he said. “Better still, when you’ve got a chicken, just eat around the egg. You’ll get all the benefits the chicken has to offer without the guilt of consuming its offspring.” He chuckled to himself, adding, “Anyone up for some KFC?”
Asked about vegan alternatives, a look of boredom crossed his face. “Stupid vegans,” he replied.
Marketing shift
The American Egg Board announced it will employ a new marketing strategy to kickoff its anti-egg campaign. “We’re going to release a series of commercials with a dystopian theme,” Helmer disclosed. “Americans gathering around huge public bonfires, throwing eggs into the flames. They’ll clap and cheer as they burn. And at the end of the commercial, a large rainbow-shaped question mark will appear, promising an uncertain — but better — alternative in the future.”
FACT: EGGS ARE SO UNHEALTHY IT IS LITERALLY 🗣ILLEGAL FOR THEM TO BE ADVERTISED WITH ANY HEALTH TERMS!!!! 🥚
THEY ARE A CHICKEN’S PERIOD! 🤢
It is also illegal for egg companies to call them “safe” 🍳 pic.twitter.com/w1UpiA0N6b
— 𝔰𝔥𝔞𝔫 🥀🖤🦂 (@btsarmyshan) August 8, 2019
As for the industry’s longtime marketing slogan “The Incredible, Edible Egg”, Helmer indicated that it would have to be reworked. “We like the iambic pentameter, just not the message,” he said. “We’re road-testing a few alternatives, including ‘The Vegetable, Fungible Egg’, ‘The Indexical, Beddible Egg’ and my personal favorite, ‘The Detestable, Inedible Egg’.
Helmer summed up the board’s 180-degree shift away from eggs by comparing it to NASA’s change of heart about the planet Mars. “If NASA can boycott Mars, we can shun the egg.” Spotting a smiling member of the press holding up a plant-based egg substitute, he wrinkled his nose and spat, “Stupid vegans.”
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LOL good one 😉 Eggs once monthly here, if that.