Eric and Don Jr. Argue Over Which Trump Son Is Dumber

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Over the weekend, the longstanding debate over which of Donald Trump’s adult sons is stupider reached a fever pitch. Appearing on Fox News Sunday, Eric Trump claimed he drew the short straw with respect to brotherly intelligence. “Yeah, I’m way dumber, dude,” said Eric with a trace of pride. “I mean, it’s not like my brother is a member of that Mentos society or anything. But still.” Asked by host Bill Hemmer to amplify on ‘but still’, Eric replied, “But still what?”

Trump stumped

The issue heated up after Eric noticed he was a Jeopardy answer and tweeted his response to his millions of followers:

“I had to ask my Secret Service agent what the answer was,” Eric confessed. “Honestly, I didn’t know if he was my nephew or uncle or what. He just sits there like a prissy little shit at family dinners and doesn’t talk.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “When the agent told me, I asked him how to phrase it as a question, how to spell ‘question’, and lastly, what’s a question?”

Eric pointed out that even after cheating, he royally screwed up the Tweet anyway. “I didn’t capitalize Jeopardy, I failed to use hyphens and I didn’t realize a question ends with a question mark,” he admitted. “Man, it feels good getting this off my breasts.”

Trump
Eric Trump making some unbelievably stupid comments in front of the RNC. Credit: public domain.

The president’s middle son indicated that his Jeopardy gaffe was a typical mistake. “A few weeks ago, I claimed that 95 percent of Americans agreed with my father’s message,” he said. “That’s despite the fact that nearly 60 percent of them hate his guts. Multiply 95 by 60 and you get, like, a million. So I went around telling everyone that a million percent of the country loved him.”

Don Jr. responds

Asked by reporters to comment about his brother’s remarks, Don Jr. laughed off the idea that his brother was dumber. “Hey, I’m the one who got played by the Russians with that Trump Tower meeting thingy,” he said. “If that hadn’t happened, Dad might not about to be impeached.”

The president’s eldest son didn’t stop there. “In 2017, I urged Virginians — twice — to vote the day after the election was over.  That same year, I actually Tweeted that teaching my daughter to share was socialism.”

Don Jr. boasted that his stupidity has been on display for years. “How about the time I put my two-year-old and a naked teacher in the same sentence on Twitter?” He smiled and added, “Man, that was dumb.”

Summing up his argument, Don Jr. said, “Eric’s just a dumbass. I’m a dumb ass.”

Father knows best

Prior to boarding Air Force One en route to yet another golfing vacation, President Trump was asked to settle the matter. “Look, I read this fake news article about Mozambique and Swaziland,” he said. “They were arguing about which of their flags was stupider and almost went to war over it.” The president raised his voice so to be heard over the roar of the engines. Everybody knows they were both stupid.”

Trump scanned the throng of reporters. “Like any good father, I don’t show favoritism between my two idiot sons.” Reminded that he had three, Trump replied, “What’s-his-name isn’t old enough to be dumb yet, ok?”

Asked to comment about his own intelligence, Trump responded, “When you look at my incredible Atlantic City casinos, my great university and other fantastic businesses, I’m obviously a stable genius.” After Washington Post reporter Robert Costa pointed out that they had all failed, Trump cautioned, “You worry about running the Amazon Washington Post and I’ll run Trump Shuttle, ok?” Costa then reminded the president that Trump Shuttle also failed, prompting him to pretend he couldn’t hear the question before turning to board the plane.

“You are fake news!” he bellowed, before trying — and failing — to figure out how to close his umbrella. Trump then clumsily dropped it on the stairwell before disappearing into Air Force One.

Credit: giphy.com

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