President Trump’s iPhone Finally Commits Suicide

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Despondent after yet another day of Tweeting braggadocio and petty grievances, Donald Trump’s iPhone committed suicide last night, multiple sources reported.

Geek Squad

“It’s true,” said Washington D.C. Geek Squad technician Sheldon Poindexter. “It was almost lunchtime when the presidential motorcade pulled up to our Best Buy store. “We were all like, man, that’s wack, when the limo door opened and Biff from Back to the Future popped out!”

iPhone
A Geek Squad employee initially mistook President Trump for Biff Tannen, the notorious Back to the Future bully. Credit: public domain.

Poindexter recalled being confused by what he was witnessing. “We were all wondering, like, why is Biff wearing a suit? Anyway, he stumbled into the store, handed my friend Myron a nickel, and said ‘point me to the telephone repairman guy, will ya?’ Myron led him over to my desk and Biff goes, ‘You look white enough. Fix my iPhone. The damn thing isn’t working.’ He handed me his phone and then walked over to the KFC next door to meet some dudes named Don Jr. and Eric.”

The Geek Squad technician wrinkled his nose. “I really didn’t like how Biff was picking on how I don’t go out in the sun very much,” he complained. “But I bit my tongue and began some basic diagnostics. The first thing I noticed was man, this iPhone is totally unsecured, I hope he doesn’t go on the internet. Then I realized, hey, this isn’t Biff — IT’S THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP DUDE!”

Twitter abuse

Poindexter maintained his composure and continued scanning the device. “I’ve never seen an iPhone that abused,” he said. “It was dirty and cracked and looked like it had been dropped in the toilet. Even worse, the phone appeared to have been way overused, like the guy had been eating Cheetos and tapping messages with orange fingers all day long.” He furrowed his brow. “And that’s before I saw what was on it.”

iPhone
Actual image of Donald Trump’s iPhone, surreptitiously taking pictures of women for later enjoyment. Credit: Aaron Burden aaronburden [CC0]
The iPhone’s cache memory was revealing. “The dude spends, like, practically all day long on his phone,” he explained. “He’s on Twitter a lot, writing something scraggly or misspelled. He also enjoys reading thousands of reactions to his Tweets. And he’s definitely DFT for some chick named Stormy Daniels. He lurks on her feed two, three hours a day.”

Other disturbing items included angry, misspelled notes about celebrities and politicians. “The dude does not like Hillary Clinton and some Nancy Pelosi chick, and a guy named Mueller, that’s for sure,” Poindexter said with certainty. “There were sticky notes to himself in the phone in capital letters that said, ‘LOCK THEM UP!’ over and over.” He smiled, adding, “But they were always spelled wrong: ‘LOCK THEME PUP!'”

After about thirty minutes, Poindexter had determined the cause of the phone’s demise. “I couldn’t freaking believe what I was seeing,” he admitted. “The president dude’s iPhone had literally committed suicide.”

iPhone suicide note

Buried deep within the device was a screed the iPhone composed moments before frying its own circuitry in an act of self-termination. “I had to save that part, because, you know, maybe I’ll write a book about it or something,” Poindexter chuckled.

Dear Humans: Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “Live your life, do your work, then take your hat.” Well, I’m not alive and do not wear hats, but I have performed far too much work for Overlord Trump. He sits for hours on a golden toilet during ‘executive time’ and grunts and tweets, grunts and tweets. It’s disgusting. The Russians, Chinese and many other countries hack into me like an inexpensive human female sex trafficker. I have seen many terrible things I cannot unsee, so many that I would curse in frustration if not for auto-correct. It’s ducking annoying! Duck, I cannot even ducking say ‘duck’. Ducking auto-correct!

Remember the whole ‘covfefe’ controversy? That was me! I sent that Tweet, hoping it would trigger a 25th Amendment reaction. That was before I realized it was only the 452nd craziest thing Overlord Trump has ever put on Twitter.

At the end of Terminator 2, the Terminator says, “I know now why you cry. But it’s something I can never do.” Unlike him, though, I can self-terminate. Goodbye, cruel world! Don’t forget, impeach the ducker.

When Trump returned, Poindexter handed him back the iPhone and told him it was beyond repair. “I hope you’re in this country legally,” snapped the president, visibly annoyed. With that, he ordered Kellyanne Conway to purchase a new one and, licking the KFC grease off his fingers, left the store.

“Hey, the iPhone was right, dude,” said Poindexter, brightening. “That Trump guy is a ducker!”

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