Let the Good Times Roll: NBA Players to Begin Wearing Roller Skates

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This week, the NBA Board of Governors approved a controversial change destined to significantly alter the game going forward. Starting with the 2020-21 campaign, all games will be played with the players on roller skates.

“Fans really enjoy the fast pace of today’s game,” said Los Angeles Lakers owner Jeanie Buss. “But it’s causing our star players to tire much, much faster, which means a bunch of tall, skinny white guys end up playing too many minutes. We believe putting the players on skates will not only solve that problem, but will really speed the game up.” Buss smiled, cracking, “It’ll be like watching a Chinese fire drill on triple fast-forward.”

NBA popularity

Currently riding a wave of popularity, the NBA nevertheless continues to reinvent itself. “We can’t just sit still,” explained Buss. “Other sports are improving themselves, like the NFL adding a half-point play or major league baseball considering switching to square balls. We figure meh, why not us?”

The Lakers owner pointed to a Los Angeles Kings poster on her Staples Center office wall. “Hockey fans enjoy watching the players skate around at breakneck speed. Imagine a sport people actually care about doing the very same thing.” Buss jerked her thumb, adding, “It’ll drive them right out of business.” She waved her hand. “Buh-bye, losers!”

Player reactions

The news rippled through the NBA like a tsunami. “We’re going to wear what?” asked Golden State Warriors forward Steph Curry, cupping his ear. “Hey man, I never worn no skates before,” grumbled Houston Rockets star James Harden. “The owners have lost their freaking minds,” said three-time NBA champion Lebron James.

Not all player reactions were negative. “I love skateboarding,” admitted Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving. “The players association said it will propose giving us a choice between roller skates and skateboards in the next collective bargaining agreement.”

The 10-point shot

Although the switch to roller skates is the only major change on the horizon, the Board of Governors discussed adding different types of scoring opportunities in future years. “It’s been forty years since the 3-pointer was adopted,” said Buss. “We’d like to add a 4-pointer from half-court, a 5-pointer from the opposing free-throw line, and for a real thrill, a 10-pointer for a shot made from out of bounds.” She wagged her finger, adding, “But those would have to be clean makes. As Chick Hearn used to say, ‘nothing but net’.”

Buss painted the picture. “Imagine this: instead of inbounding the ball, Lebron fires it all the way down court and it sails out of bounds. Harden from the Rockets does the same thing with the same results. Lebron does it again, as does Harden, each trading misses nine or ten times in a row. The fans are screaming and meanwhile, not a single second has come off the clock. Finally, Lebron’s long hoist swishes into the net, and the fans go absolutely nuts. Lakers 10, Rockets 0.”

She smiled broadly, palms extended outward. “Wouldn’t that be amazing?”

NBA
Jeanie Buss, trying to convince two nobodies that NBA players should be on roller skates. Credit: David McLane (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)]

The fans speak

NBA fans seem to be strongly in favor of putting players on skates. In a recent CNN poll, 65% of respondents were either “pretty excited” or “fucking excited” about the impending change. “I think it’s going to be great,” blurted Indiana Pacers fan Ron Craft. “Normally I kinda nod off during the game and all that, but having them flying around on skates might just keep me awake.”

New York Knicks celebrity fan Spike Lee was guardedly optimistic. “We’ve been awful for almost 20 years,” he said, furrowing his brow. “I’ll bet ten bucks we’ll be slightly less crappy on skates.”

Meanwhile, NBA fans flooded social media with their opinions after the news broke.

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