Month: September 2019

Paramount Pictures Announces Nathan Lane Will Play the Next Terminator

Hasta la vista, Arnie. In a tersely-worded statement, Paramount Pictures announced that it has “immediately and forever” severed ties with Terminator star Arnold Schwartzenegger. To replace him, the studio has hired veteran character actor Nathan Lane. “Arnold Schwartzenegger will no longer be the Terminator,” confirmed spokesperson Sarah Grant. “He played the character far too aggressively and […]

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Trump Fires Back, Orders AG Barr to Impeach ‘Loser’ House Democrats

On Wednesday, President Trump seized the initiative by directing Attorney General Bill Barr to impeach every Democrat in the House of Representatives. “I think it is probably, possibly okay for me to do that,” Trump claimed to a throng of reporters. “Show me where the Constitution says I can’t impeach them.” The president pointed his […]

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Trump Blasts Fed for Cutting Interest Rates: ‘Even Don Jr. Isn’t That Dumb’

In an abrupt reversal, President Trump slammed the Federal Reserve for lowering the fed funds rate by a quarter point on Wednesday. Jay Powell and the Federal Reserve Fail Again. No “guts,” no sense, no vision! A terrible communicator! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 18, 2019 “What on earth is Jay Powell doing?” Trump […]

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New Evidence Proves Humans Evolved from Horses

In a sharp rebuke of Charles Darwin’s On the Origin of Species, new research indicates that humans evolved from horses. “Without a doubt,” confirmed Arizona State University paleoanthropologist Gary Schwartz, to a group of reporters. “The data is in, and it’s conclusive: Homo sapiens evolved from Equus caballus.” He smiled and said, “For those of […]

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Sen. Sanders Stuns Debate Moderators: ‘You’re Throwing Your Vote Away’

During the third Democratic debate, the candidates sparred over health care, gun control, foreign policy and numerous other topics. While the tone ranged from collegial to caustic, the big news came in the last half hour when Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders cast serious doubt upon his own candidacy. The mic drop debate moment The stunning […]

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God Appears as Tick-Infested Cat to Lecture Americans About Health Care

Frustrated over America’s interminable political infighting, God took matters into His own paws on Sunday. According to dozens of witnesses, the Lord appeared as a glowing, tick-infested cat in a Seattle neighborhood church to talk about health care. “It was a real-life miracle,” raved event organizer Scott Lewis. “Our band had finished playing and we were […]

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State of Emergency Declared in Alabama after 800-Mile Miss by Dorian

Hours after Hurricane Dorian churned within 800 miles of Alabama, President Trump declared a state of emergency and activated the National Guard to restore order. “Alabama is a total disaster,” said the president during an Oval Office presentation. “People are saying trailer parks are everywhere and weeds are growing out of the sidewalks.” He set […]

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Incognito Trump Asked Country Bumpkin to Explain Tariffs to Him (Video)

Frustrated with his enablers’ inability to dumb down the explanation of how tariffs work, President Trump took matters into his own hands. Following a sock puppet cabinet presentation by desiccated Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross (as Trump) and advisor Stephen Miller (as Chinese president Xi Jinping) last year, a confused Trump reportedly boiled over in anger. […]

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