Frustrated with his enablers’ inability to dumb down the explanation of how tariffs work, President Trump took matters into his own hands.
Following a sock puppet cabinet presentation by desiccated Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross (as Trump) and advisor Stephen Miller (as Chinese president Xi Jinping) last year, a confused Trump reportedly boiled over in anger. “I don’t sound like that old fuck,” snapped the president. “I don’t sound like that at all.” He jerked his thumb at Miller and shot, “And President Xi has way more style than Count Chocula over there.”
A White House source indicated that in typical Trumpian fashion, the president lashed out because he simply did not understand. “It’s his way,” he sighed. “The whole cabinet tried to explain the concept — even that idiot Betsy DeVos — but it didn’t stick. Trump had that same look on his face that he gets when he sees the Professor builds a lie detector out of bamboo and radio batteries on Gilligan’s Island.” He shook his head sadly. “He just stares straight ahead and repeats ‘I don’t get it’ over and over again.”
Trump on the task
Months later, a still-irritated Trump took his quest to the people. “The president believes that sycophants — he calls them ‘deplorables’ — are a better source of information than experts,” the source explained. “However, as perhaps the world’s most recognizable figure, he knew he couldn’t just walk onto a gun range or appear at a KKK rally without being noticed.” The source lit a cigarette and exhaled a cloud of blue smoke. “So he decided to don a plaid shirt, jeans and one of Ryan Zinke’s old Navy hats and visit the CEFCO gas station in Longview, Texas.”
Hours later, Marine One landed in the middle of Marshall Ave. in Longview, with President Trump exiting the chopper moments later. After asking a bewildered slack-jawed yokel for directions, he walked the fifty steps to the gas station and entered the building.
Texas Tariffs
The source indicated that he was with the president throughout the event, staying in the background. “Trump walked to the front and pretended to look at lottery tickets,” he said. “Actually, he was eyeballing the latest Penthouse behind the counter, but the clerk wouldn’t take a post-dated third-party temporary check.”
After that, Trump got down to business. “There’s a video of the event online,” the source disclosed. “At the risk of sounding just like the president, it was absolutely incredible. Trump’s idiotic non-costume costume really worked.” He snuffed out his cigarette, and then lit another. “Everyone thought it was his ‘doppleganger’ in the video, but it was him, by God, or my initials aren’t M.P.”
The source indicated Trump then asked the clerk exactly how tariffs worked. “I actually recorded his entire reply for posterity,” he said.
A tariff, simply put, is a tax levied on an imported good.
There are two types. A “unit” or specific tariff is a tax levied as a fixed charge for each unit of a good that is imported – for instance $300 per ton of imported steel. An “ad valorem” tariff is levied as a proportion of the value of imported goods. An example is a 20 percent tariff on imported automobiles. Both tariffs act in similar ways.
Tariffs are one of the oldest trade policy instruments, with their use dating back to at least the 18th century. Historically, the main objective of a tariff was to raise revenue. In fact, before ratifying the 16th Amendment in 1913 and formally creating the income tax, the U.S. government raised most of its revenue from tariffs.
Even so, the main purpose of a tariff these days tends to be about protecting particular domestic industries from foreign competition, alongside raising revenue.
The president’s reaction
“When the twenty-something clerk finished his recitation, I immediately recognized the glazed-over expression on the president’s face,” said the source. “It was that Professor-builds-a-lie-detector-out-of-bamboo-and-radio-batteries look.” The source took a final drag of his cigarette. “And as usual, Trump began mumbling ‘I don’t get it’ over and over again. He then blathered something about making America great again and high-tailed it out of the convenience store.”
The source put out his smoke and cocked an eyebrow. “His campaign colludes with Russia, he spearheads driving us toward bankruptcy, we’re detested around the world and now a disastrous trade war. If I can’t finally become president after this, then maybe I should be the one pumping gas.” He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, adding, “Stupid America.”
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