Hours after Hurricane Dorian churned within 800 miles of Alabama, President Trump declared a state of emergency and activated the National Guard to restore order.
“Alabama is a total disaster,” said the president during an Oval Office presentation. “People are saying trailer parks are everywhere and weeds are growing out of the sidewalks.” He set his jaw and added, “Many people are saying that.”
The president pulled out a map illustrating the projected path of Dorian, which extended to Alabama courtesy of a cleverly-drawn Sharpie bubble. “Now watch this,” he said, rolling up his sleeves. Trump drew additional bubbles all the way across the country, up through western Canada and ending at Alaska. “See?” he said, admiring his handiwork. Dorian will now most likely hit Alaska. BE CAREFUL!”
In addition to Florida – South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated. Looking like one of the largest hurricanes ever. Already category 5. BE CAREFUL! GOD BLESS EVERYONE!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 1, 2019
Dorian’s track
After devastating the Bahamas, Dorian crawled up the Florida coast at the same time the president issued his initial warning.
Ultimately, Dorian did not move inland, leading ABC’s Jonathan Karl to question whether or not the area was actually impacted. Trump replied, “Have you ever seen Deliverance? There’s all the inbreeding and moonshine and those sorts of really bad things. There are a lot of bad hombres there, believe me. That’s all because of Dorian.”
The president doubled down on his claim that Alabama was hit particularly hard. “It’s a big mess over there,” he said. “They’ve passed laws protecting the unejaculated and everyone there is a Trump fan. Things are not good there right now, that I can tell you.” Karl continued to press him about Dorian not having an impact, leading the president to storm out of the room. Minutes later, he issued the following Tweet while sitting on a White House toilet:
Such a phony hurricane report by lightweight reporter @jonkarl of @ABCWorldNews. I suggested yesterday at FEMA that, along with Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina, even Alabama could possibly come into play, which WAS true. They made a big deal about this…
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 2, 2019
National Guard
The president ordered the National Guard into Alabama to stop widespread looting and prevent civil unrest. “Alabama’s terrifying brush with Dorian saw wind gusts of three miles per hour in some southeastern cities,” announced spokesperson Shannon Hancock. “We positioned troops, tanks and nuclear weapons along the border with Georgia in case firing upon the storm became a necessity.” She looked up from her prepared text, then continued, “Fortunately, the eye passed nearly a thousand miles to the east.”
Troops spent their first hours in search and rescue mode. “We deployed tens of thousands of personnel throughout the state, concentrating on the major metropolitan areas,” recited Hancock. “One victim was laying in the streets of Mobile, just outside of Alchemy Tavern. We picked him up and carried him off to jail. Hundreds of others were walking the streets, appearing distressed as we raised our weapons and ordered them to the ground.” The spokeswoman nodded her head. “We hauled them off to jail as well.”
All told, nearly a thousand Alabamians were rounded up and jailed, the biggest mass incarceration since Hillbillystock ’99. “We saved lives last night,” Hancock asserted with conviction.
The Guard set up a monitoring station in downtown Birmingham to provide the president with real-time visual updates of the still-unfolding disaster.
Hurricane Nomenclature
President Trump used Hurricane Dorian to pitch his administration’s plan to license storm naming rights. “It’s a great, great idea, a really fantastic plan,” he gushed. “Think about it. Everyone named Dorian is considering committing suicide right about now, aren’t they? They feel guilty about all the death and destruction in Alabama they caused.”
The president sniffed deeply before launching into his sales pitch. “We’ll sell hurricane naming rights to major corporations to promote their products. That will raise billions of dollars which we can use to build a big, beautiful wall thousands of miles high to stop the caravan and future hurricanes from invading our country.”
When fully implemented, hurricane nomenclature will change forever. “Say goodbye to Hurricane Dorian, Hurricane Orgasm and Hurricane Mercury Constellation Starcruiser,” he said. “Helloooo, Hurricane Vagisil!”
Social media reacts
Social media reacted appropriately to Trump’s assertions about Alabama:
The new United States map was unveiled by @realDonaldTrump
Thanks @Sharpie #ThanksSharpie pic.twitter.com/PrPetSR7rU
— Joseph Puopolo (@jpuopolo) September 5, 2019
#SharpiePresident #sharpiegate pic.twitter.com/1z4NOkKTrd
— Bak Mei (@Pei_Mei) September 5, 2019
WH just release the original image of @realDonaldTrump
inauguration photo. See? Much larger than Obama's. #SharpieGate #SharpieEnhancedInauguration pic.twitter.com/kT0Ooo6E5q— Quaker Nana (@QuakerNana) September 4, 2019
BREAKING: White House releases revised 2016 Election Results #TrumpSharpie pic.twitter.com/0LqTiObeRY
— Craig Sherman (@craigpsherman) September 5, 2019
Looks like Mexico sent that check for the wall #TrumpSharpie pic.twitter.com/koEqgHx8dk
— vic 🍩 (@vicsepulveda) September 5, 2019
Trump releases photo to show he’s taller than Obama. pic.twitter.com/U4K7C4MzQI
— Schooley (@Rschooley) September 4, 2019
I’m the fittest POTUS to ever serve..#TrumpSharpie #MorningJoe pic.twitter.com/NFEZg86TJe
— LeoKapakos (@LeoKapakosNY) September 5, 2019
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