Frustrated over America’s interminable political infighting, God took matters into His own paws on Sunday. According to dozens of witnesses, the Lord appeared as a glowing, tick-infested cat in a Seattle neighborhood church to talk about health care.
“It was a real-life miracle,” raved event organizer Scott Lewis. “Our band had finished playing and we were about to begin our annual ice cream social. Just as our parishioners started dishing up, this indescribable music filled the sanctuary.” Lewis paused, his eyes shining with the memory. “The next thing you know, a glowing cat materialized out of thin air.”
Thinking the music was part of the event, dozens of people began spontaneously dancing, several kicking at the cat to shoo it away. Periodically, they raised their hands overhead, crying ooh-ooh in unison. “We didn’t really think anything of it until the cat lifted His paws and cried, ‘MEOW! I mean, ENOUGH! Stop this blessing foolishness, humans!’ It was only then that we realized there was something very special about to happen.”
God preaches health care
According to Lewis, the cat made a cut sign with His forelimbs, causing the music to cease. “He cleared His throat and announced, ‘I am the Lord God Almighty, and I am here to talketh to thee about health care!'”
Lewis said the crowd was collectively flabbergasted. “We fell to our knees in worship, every single one of us,” he recalled. “God then said, ‘Humans, thine American health care system is confusing at best, broken at worst. Thou needeth something far better, and I commandeth thee to do something about it!'”
Without looking up, a young woman asked, “Lord, can you speak English?”
God pounced on a dust bunny in annoyance. “Fine, whatevs. Look, you’ve got what, three or four million people in your country currently without health insurance. That’s absolutely inexcusable!” Told the actual number was over 40 million, He bellowed, “WHAT?!! What is this, Paraguay? He grumbled under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”
An elderly parishioner cried, “O God, do you mean Medicare-for-all?”
The Lord meowed angrily. “When did you hear me say the word ‘socialism’? I’ve purposely appeared in front of you crawling with ticks to make my point. Crawling with them!” He scratched His neck with His hind leg, then continued. “What made your country great wasn’t freebies or a blessing red hat. It was opportunity, balanced with incentives. With the proper health care system, I can afford to go to the vet and eat my Friskies Buffet Extra Gravy Chunky with Chicken.”
He rolled onto His back, hissing when a church member approached. “Don’t touch my stomach or I’ll claw your blessing arm!”
God’s suggestions
Pressed by the still-kneeling crowd about the way forward, the Lord replied, “I cannot solve all of your problems, humans. However, Obamacare seemed like a pretty good start to me. Better still, I like the idea in Market Watch about using HSA accounts paired with an insurance policy with fully-funded deductibles, along with price tags for every procedure. That would cut your health care costs by up to 75%.” God hopped up on the counter and began licking melted ice cream out of a dish. “Whole Foods, Indiana and Singapore do this already,” He said between licks, “and when you think of world-class innovation, you think of Singapore.”
God began to make a repetitive wheezing sound before hacking up a fur ball. “Listen, humans, there’s a solution to this problem if you simply put your minds to it. It’s no different than when I appeared as a glowing squirrel to discuss your out-of-control gun culture. As Luke 11:9 says, ‘So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.'”
Lewis recounted the Lord’s last words on the subject. “As I am a cat, I can only scratch the door, you must do the knocking!” With that, God clawed on the front door and upon its opening, darted outside. Seconds later, He exploded on the lawn in a dazzling bright light, rocketing His way back to heaven.
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Ok little less Scotch Walter.