In a sharp rebuke of Charles Darwin’s On the Origin of Species, new research indicates that humans evolved from horses.
“Without a doubt,” confirmed Arizona State University paleoanthropologist Gary Schwartz, to a group of reporters. “The data is in, and it’s conclusive: Homo sapiens evolved from Equus caballus.” He smiled and said, “For those of you who don’t have a PhD in Anthropology, haven’t published 46 papers and can pick up girls, that means humans sprang from horses.”
New research
Schwartz led an international team of paleoanthropologists that published a research paper entitled Beating Darwin Like a Rented Mule. “In the internet age, eye-catching titles are critical,” he said. “We wanted a title that showed Charles Darwin was a fraud while making an important reference to hybridization.” Schwartz pushed his glasses up his nose before continuing. “If donkeys and horses can give birth to mules, the sexual coupling of horses and cavemen could have — check that, did — result in modern-day humans.”
The team spent nearly ten years compiling the data and interpreting the results. “The idea that humans evolved from horses first came from watching reruns of Mister Ed,“said Schultz. “I remember thinking man, Mister Ed looks like a horse, but he talks and sings just like a human. I wonder if there’s a paleoanthropic connection?” He pushed his glasses back again, adding, “Things kind of just got going from there.”
Evidence humans evolved from horses
Asked to discuss what evidence in Beating Darwin Like a Rented Mule proves the evolutionary connection between the two species, Schwartz replied, “You’ll have to read the entire 3,672 page report to get the full picture. With that said, I can give you a few examples.” Schwartz took out a sharpie and began scribbling on a whiteboard. “Don’t worry, I won’t be altering the path of natural selection so that Alabama evolves,” he cracked, snickering loudly.
Hearing dead silence from the reporters, he cleared his throat and said, “Ok, let’s start with the obvious. The words ‘humans’ and ‘horses’ each start with the letter H. What are the odds of that?” Schwartz scrawled 1/26 X 1/26 and continued, “Since H is one of 26 letters of the alphabet, multiply 1/26 times 1/26 and you get 1/676, or roughly .147928994 percent.” He clapped his hands together and stated confidently, “Those are betting odds.”
Schwartz didn’t stop there. “Physically, we each have limbs, heads, eyes, ears, hair, teeth, genitalia, and other commonalities. We both wear shoes — name another species that does that — and race for money in front of screaming crowds. And although horses are generally herbivores, a documentary from over 20 years ago proved that just like us, they enjoy Beefarino.”
Cultural influences
The paleoanthropologist indicated that cultural influences represented a significant portion of their research paper. “Why do we call being silly ‘horsing around’?” he asked rhetorically. “When you eat too much, you ‘eat like a horse’ and in going to the bathroom, we’re ‘seeing a man about a horse’? There’s also ‘hold your horses’, ‘get off your high horse’ and a hundred other sayings and phrases.”
He pushed his glasses back up his nose, his brow furrowing. “When your girlfriend calls you a horse’s ass just because you falsely claim you’re hung like a horse and dumps you for that idiot paleobotanist on the 7th floor, well, those are two more examples.”
Schwartz crossed his arms. “The point being, there is a massive amount of anecdotal evidence of the nexus between horses and humans, which we believe began with Og the caveman mounting his first horse.” He giggled nervously, quipping, “And that was before he figured out they could be ridden.”
Humans with horse physiology
The final chapter of the research paper is devoted to humans who carry sufficient quantities of horse DNA to actually resemble one. “There are countless examples of that biological anomaly, especially within Hollywood celebrities,” Schwartz said.
One of my proudest moments was being escorted from Shoshonna Lonstein's presence by her large frattish buddies after asking her, "Does Jerry Seinfeld resemble a horse in his pants as much as he does on his face?" https://t.co/gTMYlRlGqu
— Thoughts on the Dead (@ThoughtsOnGD) August 30, 2019
John Elway looks like a horse. pic.twitter.com/MeW6mvJ3JX
— What He Looks Like (@WhatHeLooksLike) November 2, 2015
He literally, not even joking, he looks like a horse💀 https://t.co/rM71bh1rhc
— matthew (@matthewC7421) September 16, 2019
“The last chapter has a big silver lining,” noted Schwartz. “It makes casting Beating Darwin Like a Rented Mule: The Movie pretty freaking easy.” He crossed his fingers and said to himself, “Here’s hoping I’m played by that horse from Mister Ed.”
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