Trump Fires Back, Orders AG Barr to Impeach ‘Loser’ House Democrats

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On Wednesday, President Trump seized the initiative by directing Attorney General Bill Barr to impeach every Democrat in the House of Representatives.

“I think it is probably, possibly okay for me to do that,” Trump claimed to a throng of reporters. “Show me where the Constitution says I can’t impeach them.” The president pointed his finger at members of the press assembled on the North Lawn. “If ‘Nut Sack’ Nancy and the loser Democrats think that a perfect call between me and Ukrainian President Lewinsky deserves impeachment, then they need to go.” Trump sniffed deeply, adding, “All of them.”

Impeach or be impeached

A self-described counter-puncher, Trump’s extra-constitutional move was in reaction to the announcement that the House was launching an impeachment inquiry against him. “The Democrats are weak and stupid,” he asserted. “What the hell is an inquiry, anyways?” Trump mimicked holding a cup of tea, lifting his pinky finger in the air and raising his voice into the falsetto. “Waiter, may I have a spot of cream in my tea?” He shook his head, tossing the imaginary cup aside. “Our impeachment effort is much, much stronger. ‘Boring Bill’ Barr is going to impeach every Democrat in the House.”

The president paused for a moment, adding, “And probably Gerry Connolly in the Senate, too. I don’t like his mustache.”

impeachment
President Trump plans to impeach Democratic Senator Gerry Connolly’s mustache. Credit: public domain.

Article 2, Section 4

The Constitution spells out which federal officers can be impeached:

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.

“See?” said Trump, smirking. “The stupid Constitution says that I can impeach anyone I want.” Told that impeachment was a responsibility of the House of Representatives, he replied, “Fake news! ‘Boring Bill’ says my powers are absolute, and I absolutely want to impeach the Democrats.”

Engaging with the media

The president then signaled that he would take a few questions from the press.

NBC’s Peter Alexander asked, “Mr. President, is it true that you required President Zelensky to investigate vice president Biden in trade for the release of military aid?” Trump responded, “Rudy Giuliani has already rambled both yes and no to that question, so I think that’s been answered. President Lewinsky and I have a great relationship, a powerful, sexy relationship. Neither one of us likes ‘Stupidhead Joe’ Biden, who has been very bad for our country. Very bad. You wouldn’t even be looking at my improper actions if you were paying attention to what Biden was doing.”

Fox News Chief intelligence correspondent Catherine Herridge was the next to be called upon. “Mr. President, have you lost weight?” Trump straightened his tied and winked, “Have you ever seen Everybody Does Raymond”? If you had a little more upstairs, you’d remind me of D-Bra”.

Wearing a shocked look on his face, CNN’s Jim Acosta chimed in, “Mr. President, are you trying to get the Democrats to impeach you?” Trump shot back, “You run CNN and I’ll run being impeached, okay?”

The next steps

As a result of the Democratic push to impeach him, Trump indicated his plan was to move rapidly. “We’ll have articles filed by the end of the week,” he said, “and we’ll start the trial on Monday. The attorney general will be the prosecutor, and Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka and I will be the jury.” The president crossed his arms. “We won’t need the Democrats to testify, so that will save lots of time.”

Trump speculated that it wouldn’t take more than 30 minutes to find them guilty. “Bing, bing, bing, it’ll be all over with,” he gloated. “They can go back to Venezuela where they belong.”

With that, the president pulled out a Sharpie, scrawled what he termed an ‘exact transcript’ of his call with the president of Ukraine, and handed it to the media before being ushered onto Air Force One.

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