Hasta la vista, Arnie.
In a tersely-worded statement, Paramount Pictures announced that it has “immediately and forever” severed ties with Terminator star Arnold Schwartzenegger. To replace him, the studio has hired veteran character actor Nathan Lane.
“Arnold Schwartzenegger will no longer be the Terminator,” confirmed spokesperson Sarah Grant. “He played the character far too aggressively and is the sole reason for America’s rampant gun violence problem. We need a kinder, gentler Terminator, one that can relate to both Millennial and Generation Z audiences.” She brushed her hair from her eyes. “Nathan Lane is the perfect man — I mean cyborg — for the job.”
Schwartzenegger’s woes
Grant said a non-disclosure agreement prevented her from divulging why Schwartzenegger was terminated, but there were numerous, documented reasons. “He’s old,” she pointed out. “Who’s going to believe that Cyberdyne Systems would intentionally make a bedraggled, alcoholic-looking Terminator?” Secondly, the studio felt that Schwartzenegger’s politics were too conservative for today’s youth. “Most Millennial and Gen Z moviegoers are very, very liberal, and Schwartzenegger was a Republican governor for eight years.” She furrowed her brow. “You do the math.”
Finally, Schwartzenegger’s behavior violated a morals clause in his contract. “He stalked Linda Hamilton when the original Terminator was being made,” she said with astonishment. “He also killed a bunch of people and blew up a police station. That’s some serious shit right there.”
Modern Terminator qualities
Grant confirmed that after Terminator: Dark Fate, the next installment will take the franchise in a completely different direction. “We’ve got to stop promulgating a shoot-first-ask-questions-later approach to life’s problems,” she said. “That may have been necessary in the 1960’s when Clint Eastwood was alive and doing spaghetti westerns, but not anymore.” Told that Eastwood was still very much alive, having produced and starred in The Mule just last year, she waved her hand dismissively. “Whatever, it’s still inappropriate.”
Asked how the franchise would evolve, Grant answered, “Instead of being stiff and robotic, the Terminator will care about his victims. He’ll smile, laugh, and even give them a hug before gunning them down.” Beaming, she added, “Nothing says you have to be an asshole when you have a really tough job,” citing librarians, furniture salesmen and crossing guards to prove her point. “Consider the new Terminator to be a robot crossing guard carrying a .45 Longslide with laser sighting, helping old ladies across the street before blowing them away.”
Nathan Lane
Perhaps best known for his depiction of Albert Goldman in The Birdcage, Lane will play the Terminator as a sensitive, gender-fluid killer. “We’ve hinted at the Terminator’s gender fluidity in past movies,” Grant said. “Remember when the T-1000 in Terminator 2 went from a man to a woman a whole bunch of times? If that’s not gender fluidity, I don’t know what is.”
Lane’s Terminator will have a love life, although Grant was unwilling to confirm the character’s sexuality. “You’ll have to wait until the movie comes out,” she teased, “but let’s just say that the new Terminator will have detailed files on human anatomy.”
Reached at his New Jersey home, Lane confessed he had never seen a Terminator movie. “I’m more of a Mamma Mia kind of guy,” he admitted. “However, I’ll mix a little Max Bialystock with Albert Goldman and a dash of Timon and come up with a kick-ass Terminator.” Lane indicated he was excited to bring the character into the 21st century, gushing, “It’s going to be super!”
The next installment
According to Grant, Lane signed a three-movie deal for a reported $40 million. “The next sequel will be titled Terminator 7: Seasons of Giving.” She nodded her head thoughtfully. “If that sounds familiar, it’s because the plot will be based upon a 1999 Winnie-the-Pooh movie with a similar name. Our goal is to make the Terminator as beloved by children and adults alike as Pooh Bear and Tigger.” Grant was quick to note that not all Winnie-the-Pooh characters were held in similar esteem. “Certainly not that ass Eeyore,” she snapped. “He’s on suicide watch practically every moment onscreen, and Terminators cannot self-terminate.”
Winnie the Pooh vs The Terminator
— Kenny Smith (@FinishedZine) April 25, 2019
Grant hoped Lane’s Terminator might someday surpass Winnie-the-Pooh in popularity. “Pooh will pull out a big spoon to scoop honey from a jar, but you’ll never find him packing a freaking gun.” She smiled, dropping a wink. “That’s our edge.”
Terminator 7: Seasons of Giving is slated for release on Memorial Day, 2022.
Follow us on Facebook!
