Get off my plane! Fed up with the reality show presidency of Donald Trump, legendary actor Harrison Ford has had enough. Citing his experience playing President James Marshall in Air Force One, the Hollywood star has declared his candidacy for president. “I can no longer stand idly by and watch this totally unqualified con artist […]
Read More Touting ‘Air Force One’ Credentials, Harrison Ford to Run for PresidentThe Houston Astros and Washington Nationals issued a joint statement Wednesday evening, apologizing for being the two most boring teams ever to meet in the World Series. “We’re dull,” admitted Astros manager A.J. Hinch. He jerked his thumb toward the other dugout. “Those Nationals assholes are, too. Match us up and you’ve got one crappy […]
Read More Astros, Nationals Apologize for Crappy World Series MatchupHaving launched an investigation into the origins of the Russia probe, William Barr has ordered a new investigation — into that investigation. “We must investigate the investigation of the Russia investigation,” announced the Attorney General in a prepared statement. “As we aren’t certain of its true purpose, I suggest a full review is in order.” Barr […]
Read More AG Barr Launches Investigation of Investigation of Russia InvestigationAs the FBI continues to investigate Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor admitted Russian prostitutes have leaked on the president. “In Russia, they’re everywhere,” observed Giuliani. “You can’t walk the red light district or duck into a brothel without running into one. With Trump, given what he knows, it was inevitable he would eventually be leaked […]
Read More Giuliani Tells FBI That Russian Prostitutes Leaked on TrumpPlagued by poor performance and declining attendance, the Washington Redskins have reportedly been sold to American Licorice Company for an undisclosed amount. The team will remain in the nation’s capital and re-brand as the Red Vines. American Licorice spokesperson Susan Shimotsu said the sale will resolve the longstanding controversy over the team’s name. “We knew […]
Read More American Licorice Buys Washington Redskins, Renames Team ‘Red Vines’Captured by new technology, a Texas newborn bitterly complained about the world he had just joined on Thursday. The baby — Reginald Lee Meyers — was delivered at Medical City Children’s Hospital in north Dallas. After a mere 24 hours, Baby Reggie began to babble, months ahead of schedule. A surprised pediatric nurse decided to […]
Read More Newborn Baby Complains About ‘Shit Show World’ Shortly After BirthOver the weekend, Almighty God materialized as a giant smokestack to vent about America’s inability to confront the challenges of climate change. A placid Trussville, Alabama Taco Bell was in the middle of the lunch rush when a thunderous ripping sound pierced the air. As staff and patrons screamed, a huge smokestack emerged from the […]
Read More God Appears as a Giant Smokestack to Vent About Climate ChangeDonald Trump may be deeply unpopular, but his name is all the rage these days. According to 100,000+ Baby Names author Bruce Lansky, thousands of babies have been named after the president since his inauguration in 2017. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg: in 2020, Lansky predicts that fully one-quarter of all babies born will […]
Read More Noted Author Predicts ‘Trump’ Will Be 2020’s Most Popular Baby Name
