Over the weekend, Almighty God materialized as a giant smokestack to vent about America’s inability to confront the challenges of climate change.
A placid Trussville, Alabama Taco Bell was in the middle of the lunch rush when a thunderous ripping sound pierced the air. As staff and patrons screamed, a huge smokestack emerged from the building’s roof. Within seconds, the smokestack rose to a length of 1,378 feet, towering high over the community. “HUMANS!” roared the glowing smokestack. “It is I, Almighty God! I have descended to Earth to discuss your shameful inaction on climate change.” Once again, the ripping sound echoed through the air, driving hundreds of people to their knees in worship.
“Almighty Smokestack, did you fart?” asked a frightened middle-aged man clutching a burrito. “I am not ‘Almighty Smokestack’, I am the Lord God Almighty!” fumed the smokestack. “I ask the questions.”
Climate change
The Lord began making His case that humans greatly contribute to climate change. “Human actions emit massive amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere,” He lectured. “There has to be three or four million tons of it added every year.” Informed by a geeky scientist-looking guy in the crowd that it was over 40 billion, He bellowed, “WHAT?!! What is this, China? He grumbled under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”
God resumed His verbal dissertation. “Carbon dioxide traps heat, and the Earth warms as a result.” He exhaled in frustration. “It’s not blessing complicated.”
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012
“O God, our president says global warming is a Chinese hoax!” cried a retired woman around a mouthful of Crunchwrap Supreme. “Your president is a blessing ignoramus!” thundered the Lord, pulling out a gigantic iPhone and opening Twitter. “His social media feed proves that he doesn’t understand the difference between climate and weather.” God rolled His eyes. “As Bugs Bunny once said, ‘what a nincowpoop!'”
It’s extremely cold in NY & NJ—not good for flood victims. Where is global warming?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 5, 2012
The smokestack’s brow furrowed as the Bugs Bunny YouTube clip buffered. “Stupid iPhone 7,” God grumbled, shaking it rapidly. “I’ve got to buy a new one.”
The Lord explains the problem
God wasted no time dissecting the problem. “Why are you so enamored with extracting ancient dinosaur goo from the Earth for fuel?” Hearing no replies, He raised His voice. “ANSWER ME!”
Upon hearing renewed cries of fear, the smokestack surveyed the trembling masses. “I’ll tell you why,” He said. “The easiest thing to do is deny climate change is a problem. That’s what many of your politicians do every single day.” The Lord performed a Matrix-like bend and aimed the mouth of the smokestack directly at His subjects. “Let me show you what I mean. Eat this.” Suddenly, a torrent of exhaust billowed onto the kneeling crowd.
Cries of “gross!” and “that smells!” peppered the air. “You’re blessing right it smells,” He said, bending skyward again. “You’re pumping billions of tons of this crap into the atmosphere every year and expect it to have no effect whatsoever. The smokestack frowned in displeasure. “Are you all relatives of Shia LaBeouf?”
The solution
God indicated that numerous solutions were already at hand. “I created the sun, which will provide free heat and light until the year five billion and three.” He gazed down upon His children. “Use it or lose it!”
The Lord enumerated multiple other energy alternatives. “Electric cars aren’t just for wusses anymore,” He said reassuringly. “Biodiesel works pretty well, too, as does wind.” Another explosive sound blasted across the sky. “I know it’s gross, but they say even human poop can be turned into fuel.” He pointed to the lavatories. “Put that Crunchwrap Supreme to good use for a change.”
The smokestack opened a massive Bible. “The Good Book has the answers to all of man’s challenges,” He asserted. “In fact, Isaiah 24:5-6 clearly addresses this very subject.”
The Earth lies defiled under its inhabitants; for they have transgressed the laws, violated the statutes, broken the everlasting covenant. Therefore a curse devours the Earth, and its inhabitants suffer for their guilt; therefore the inhabitants of the earth are scorched, and few men are left.
God closed the giant Bible. “Okay, so maybe it wasn’t all that clear,” He admitted. “Point being, take care of your world or in a few years you’re going to need one million spf sunscreen just to mow your blessing lawn.”
With that, the smokestack exploded in a brilliant flash of light, returning the Lord to His throne in heaven.
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