Captured by new technology, a Texas newborn bitterly complained about the world he had just joined on Thursday.
The baby — Reginald Lee Meyers — was delivered at Medical City Children’s Hospital in north Dallas. After a mere 24 hours, Baby Reggie began to babble, months ahead of schedule. A surprised pediatric nurse decided to hook him up to the hospital’s new Acme Baby Translator® to see what the machine could decipher.
And boy, did they hear a mouthful.
Baby Reggie on childbirth
For starters, Baby Reggie did not mince words about the childbirth process.
“I was all warm and comfy, floating around in amniotic fluid, until bang, there’s like an earthquake all around me,” he explained. “Things are moving and shaking and it’s as if I didn’t pay my rent or something, because suddenly I’m getting evicted. I hear all these muffled noises and urges to ‘push’ and so I tried, but I simply wasn’t strong enough. The next thing you know, I’m in this really bright room, slimy as a snake and naked as a jaybird.” He popped a binky into his mouth, then pulled it back out. “And then, the coup de grâce: the doctor smacked me right on the ass.”
Baby Reggie frowned. “That’s practically child abuse,” he claimed. “That’s why I flipped him off.”
Guns
The precocious baby didn’t stop at childbirth. “I may be a baby, but I’ve been around,” he said. “I know a thing or two because I’ve seen a thing or two.”
He held up a tiny index finger. “First, practically everyone here at the hospital is carrying a gun hidden in a belt holster.” He shrugged his diminutive shoulders. “Even mommy.”
Baby Reggie fulminated against entering the world surrounded by what he called ‘paramilitary forces’. “Give me a break,” he fumed, taking another drag of his binky. “Do you think this is an episode of Bonanza or something? Even a newborn like me is sick and tired of hearing about ‘thoughts and prayers‘ after yet another shooting.”
A ripping sound came from Baby Reggie’s diaper, causing him to chuckle in delight. “I think I have my shit together more than you guys do,” he noted wryly.
Environment
Baby Reggie pointed at the pediatric ward’s outside window. “See all that brown haze?” he asked. “That’s smog, and by the looks of it, one hell of a lot.” He held up two fingers, adding, “That’s my second problem with your so-called world: you’re polluting the crap out of it.”
Pulling at his diaper, he said, “You get all worked up when I innocently soil myself, and yet don’t seem to care when the world gets buried in trash, the skies are filled with smoke and the last polar bear commits suicide because the North Pole is as warm as the Caribbean.” He took a deep drag of his binky again. “You sicken me.”
6. The Democrats’ destructive “environmental” proposals will raise your energy bill and prices at the pump.
Don't the Democrats care about fighting American poverty?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 4, 2019
Baby Reggie checked his Twitter feed, shaking his head in frustration. “And people think we babies babble.”
Politics
When it came to politics, Baby Reggie pulled out both barrels. “Look, I admit that I don’t know much about this ‘President Rump’ guy,” he admitted. “But with all the name-calling, bloviating and temper tantrums, maybe he needs a binky.”
Impeached for what, having created the greatest Economy in the history of our Country, building our strongest ever Military, Cutting Taxes too much? https://t.co/LWxfEcRmj4
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 10, 2019
The ranting infant didn’t stop with the president. “Why are Millennial and Gen Z voters enamored by a wild-eyed, geriatric socialist with an agenda even a baby finds naive?” he asked rhetorically. “Or an old lady populist who has a plan for everything except how to be likable?” He rolled his eyes. “Can anyone say Hillary Clinton, part 2?”
Baby Reggie snuffed out his binky, tossing it aside. “The reason your country is so divided is because each side keeps backing extremists certain their opinions are right and the others are wrong,” he explained. “Have you ever seen Designated Survivor?” he asked, looking around the room. “Kiefer Sutherland plays an independent president, and man, I’m crying at the end of practically every episode.” He wiped his eyes, adding, “I can’t believe he’s the same guy that blew away creeps and weirdos on 24.”
Nap time
After venting his spleen, Baby Reggie yawned, his eyelids at half mast. “It’s nap time now,” he said. “Let me leave you with this: it’s a shit show world, and I’m not sure I can fix it.”
As the nurse wrapped him in a blanket and ushered him away, he called over his shoulder, “Remember what Norm from Cheers said when asked how the world had been treating him — like a baby treats a diaper!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPqPAKqzx7M
Baby Reggie cackled with glee as he was carried out the room.
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