American Licorice Buys Washington Redskins, Renames Team ‘Red Vines’

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Plagued by poor performance and declining attendance, the Washington Redskins have reportedly been sold to American Licorice Company for an undisclosed amount. The team will remain in the nation’s capital and re-brand as the Red Vines.

American Licorice spokesperson Susan Shimotsu said the sale will resolve the longstanding controversy over the team’s name. “We knew that in today’s day and age, a name like Redskins wasn’t going to cut it anymore,” she acknowledged. “We briefly considered Injuns, before rejecting it because that doesn’t remind anyone of candy.” Shimotsu shifted behind the podium. “Later, we kicked around non-Native American options such as Spazz and ‘Tards, but although they sound like candy, they actually aren’t.” She paused for dramatic effect. “Finally,” she concluded, “we settled on the perfect candy name, and as it happens, we make them ourselves: the Red Vines.”

Shimotsu added that Red Vines would gain the approval of politically-correct Millennials while still honoring the former name. “It’s just a few different letters, slightly jumbled around,” she said. “I’ll bet nobody even notices the difference.”

Redskins mismanagement

Majority owner Dan Snyder flatly stated that his mismanagement led directly to the sale of the franchise. “I suck,” he admitted. “The team sucked, the fans suck and the NFL sucks.” He kicked former mascot Chief Zee‘s sweat-stained headdress into the corner. “Chief Zee sucked, too.”

Shimotsu concurred with Snyder. “American Licorice Company’s current position is that Dan Snyder sucks,” she announced.

She denied the rumor that the franchise sold for $24 worth of beads and trinkets, explaining, “Red Vines aren’t beads and trinkets. On the contrary, they are perhaps America’s favorite movie candy.” Asked to comment on the level of intimidation the name carried, her face darkened. “Red Vines can kill you,” she whispered. “People choke on them all the time.”

Shimotsu felt the liability of being a choking hazard could play well on the gridiron. “For the football team, we’re changing our slogan to a taunting, in-your-face ‘eat us’.

The NFL’s position

From his New York office, commissioner Roger Goodell indicated that the NFL had green-lighted the transaction. “We welcome the Red Vines to the NFL fraternity,” he stated with typical stiffness. “The agreement with American Licorice Company includes construction of a new stadium. As a byproduct of the negotiations, American Licorice will maintain the naming rights: Red Vines Made Simple Mini Bites 8 Ounce Stand Up Bag Stadium.”

Redskins
The Redskins will change their name to Red Vines and unveil a new marketing slogan: “Eat us!” Credit: Claire Powers from Fairfax, VA, USA [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/)
The commissioner bragged that new ownership was instrumental in the upcoming half-point play rule change. “American Licorice insisted on another revenue generator,” he said. “They figured that after each half-point play, there’d be a long commercial break for them to sell more candy.” He looked up from the podium. “Sure, it’s unethical as hell, but we wanted Snyder out, so we’d agree to just about anything.”

He crossed his arms, offering a wan smile. “So we came up with that inane rule, made the deal, and here we are today, with nobody the wiser.” Goodell suddenly froze, a look of panic on his face over his accidental disclosure. “Fake news!” he blurted.

The fans react

As expected, Redskins fans had mixed reactions to the team’s sale. “I don’t care about the stupid Redskins,” said one long-time season ticket holder, refusing to go on the record. Veteran beat reporter John Keim termed the move “inconsequential”, and cheerleader Ashley D. replied, “Like, what?”

Twitter users were generally in favor of the change.

“We don’t care what the fans think,” said Susan Shimotsu, wagging her finger. “We’re promoting a serious, serious choking hazard here.” She looked around the room with bewilderment. “Isn’t anyone else concerned that a trachea-shaped candy with no nutritional value whatsoever is legal? Anyone? Anyone at all?”

Hours later, American Licorice management released a statement claiming the media had ‘misquoted’ Shimotsu, who had since resigned to spend more time with her family.

The Red Vines will take the field in 2020, with Red Vines Made Simple Mini Bites 8 Ounce Stand Up Bag Stadium slated for completion by fall, 2053.

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