Having launched an investigation into the origins of the Russia probe, William Barr has ordered a new investigation — into that investigation.
“We must investigate the investigation of the Russia investigation,” announced the Attorney General in a prepared statement. “As we aren’t certain of its true purpose, I suggest a full review is in order.”
Barr dismisses the original investigation
The Attorney General laid out a summary of the original Russia probe.
“The facts clearly show that the initial investigation was pointless,” Barr asserted, a blank expression on his face. “Yes, Robert Mueller found evidence of Russian collusion, but the campaign was far too bumbling for a criminal conspiracy, so who gives a rat’s ass?” Reminded by Washington Post reporter David Fahrenthold that Mueller cited ten instances of potential obstruction of justice, he scowled. “We’re the Justice Department,” Barr snapped, shifting behind the lectern. “We say whether or not there’s any obstruction of us.” He looked up, a wry smile crossing his face.” “After a thorough sixty second review, we found the president to be incredibly innocent of all charges.”
Trump’s bidding
Peppered with questions about why the Justice Department is investigating the Russia matter again, Barr rolled his eyes. “The president gets everything he wants, no questions asked.” he replied. “If he asks me to suck milk from a cow’s teat, I’ll do it. If he wants me to grab Tulsi Gabbard’s ass in a crowd and blame Joe Biden, I’ll do that, too.” The Attorney General looked down at his shoes. “I’d remove my socks with my teeth if Donald J. Trump asked me to do it.”
Barr reminded the assembled press that in his view, presidential powers are limitless. “Donald Trump is more than just a man,” he said, his eyes watering. “I think I speak for his millions of followers when I say that he’s our hero.” He wiped a tear streaming down his cheek. “He’s a goddamn American king.”
The new matter
With that said, the Attorney General wasn’t clear about the need for the new probe into the original Russia matter. As a result, the reason for another one was painfully obvious.
“We’ll take a deep dive into it,” he pledged. “When we first became aware of Trump’s innocence, why we knew he was innocent, how innocent he was, and more.” Barr indicated that running two parallel investigations at once should save taxpayer dollars. “Whether it’s spending a mere $105 million for golf outings, $1 million per day for Mar-a-Lago visits or running up a $1 trillion federal budget deficit, the Trump administration is committed to fiscal responsibility.”
Racing impeachment
Unlike the two-year Mueller probe, Barr stated both new investigations will be completed in a matter of weeks. “They will be done before the House votes on articles of impeachment,” he vowed. “That way, the president can rage Tweet about his ‘innocence’ and bully enough wavering Republicans to survive the Senate trial.”
Asked to respond to the Attorney General’s comments, Speaker Nancy Pelosi scoffed at the strategy. “What a bitch,” she replied. “The House will have no choice but to open an investigation into the investigation of the investigation of the investigation.” Seeing the confused look on reporters’ faces, she nodded her head, adding, “Two can play it that way.”
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