The Houston Astros and Washington Nationals issued a joint statement Wednesday evening, apologizing for being the two most boring teams ever to meet in the World Series.
“We’re dull,” admitted Astros manager A.J. Hinch. He jerked his thumb toward the other dugout. “Those Nationals assholes are, too. Match us up and you’ve got one crappy World Series on your hands.” Noticing ladies present in the room, he put his hand to his mouth. “Excuse my fucking French.”
The Astros feasted on cupcakes
Houston won 107 games during the regular season, largely on the strength of beating up horrible teams. “Take a look at our division,” Hinch said. “The Rangers, Angels and stupid Mariners were all under .500. Hell, we went 18-1 against Seattle alone.” He whistled, marveling at that factoid. “18-1! We actually tried to lose a few more games against that godawful club, but just couldn’t do it.” He shook his head, adding, “I lost a thousand bucks betting against us in that series.”
The Nationals don’t belong
Nationals skipper Dave Martinez went one step further, admitting that the Nationals don’t belong in the World Series.
“The National League sucks eggs,” Martinez acknowledged. “The Marlins lost 105 games, most of our teams are terrible, and the one with the best record — the Dodgers — couldn’t beat us in the divisional series.” He popped a Tums, lowering his head in shame. “We shouldn’t even be here.”
A dreadful World Series
The net result of a clash between two insipid franchises has been predictably bad. “I take no pleasure in being up 2-0,” said Martinez. “It’ll keep me awake tonight, wondering why we aren’t being swept.”
The manager blamed the team’s ‘ignorant’ fan base for cheering the team on. “There were only what, about eight Nationals fans at Minute Maid Park, but they waved towels and chanted ‘let’s go’ like mindless idiots,” he grumbled. “Pathetic.”
Martinez lit into his team after game two. “When Kurt Suzuki hit that home run off of Verlander in the seventh inning, I was livid,” he snapped, his eyes narrowing. “I kept shouting, ‘We don’t belong here!’ over and over, as I was pacing the dugout.” He recalled challenging their manhood in the locker room, labeling them a bunch of Bernie Sanders lovers.
The skipper was bewildered at how bad the Astros have been so far. “They won 107 games and yet looked like the Calvary Retirement Community women’s softball team out there,” Hinch hissed. “No way that’s on the up-and-up.”
Hearing of Martinez’ comments, Hinch agreed. “What do you expect when you spend the entire season destroying the Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers and California Angels? We’re not remotely prepared for this.” Reminded that the Angels were now in Los Angeles, he replied, “Whatever. I just want to lose this thing and go home.”
Joint statement
Late Wednesday evening, the Houston Astros and Washington Nationals issued a joint statement.
The Houston Astros and Washington Nationals baseball clubs formally apologize for the crappy World Series you, our fans, are witnessing. We concur that a Yankees/Dodgers encounter would be much more compelling than our lame matchup, but try as we might, we couldn’t lose to either of them. It’s not just our teams that trouble us, it’s our cities as well. Name one thing about Houston that is even remotely interesting. The Alamo? Sorry, that’s in San Antonio. The Oilers? Nope, they’ve been gone for 23 years.
Washington D.C. may be slightly less boring, but it’s filled with partisan, grifting politicians led by the most unqualified president in U.S. history. Perhaps that’s a fitting metaphor for our two teams. We’re unqualified, and we don’t belong here. And will the owner of a 2011 Honda Accord please report to the ticket office — your lights are on.
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