Get off my plane!
Fed up with the reality show presidency of Donald Trump, legendary actor Harrison Ford has had enough. Citing his experience playing President James Marshall in Air Force One, the Hollywood star has declared his candidacy for president.
“I can no longer stand idly by and watch this totally unqualified con artist run our country into the ground,” said Ford in his announcement. “While Trump has pretended to fire people on The Apprentice, I have pretended to be president of the United States.” Ford looked up from his prepared text and flashed his signature grin. “That’s a very big difference.”
Ford is good at pretending
Running as a Democrat, the 77-year old actor bragged that his ‘pretending history’ is much better than Donald Trump’s. “My pretending history includes Han Solo in Star Wars and Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark,” he noted. “Not to mention President James Marshall in Air Force One. What’s Trump pretended to be, besides an asshole?” He cocked an eyebrow, grinning crookedly again. “And in that regard, he’s not pretending.”
The veteran actor said even playing a murderer added to his presidential timber. “As president, you have to make difficult decisions,” he explained. “I played a murderer in What Lies Beneath.” He shrugged his shoulders, adding, “Who better to make life or death choices than someone who has pretended to be a good guy and a twisted psychopath?”
Air Force One
As anticipated, Ford leaned heavily on his Air Force One experience. “I pretended to be an action hero president,” he asserted. “I fired prop guns, shouted at fake terrorists, even stood there manfully with my square jaw clenched, pretending to look just like a worried president.”
He recalled some of the movie’s more iconic lines. “Who can forget ‘I trusted you with my life!’ or ‘what about my family!'” he mused. “That last quote shows just how much of a family man I can pretend to be. I’m constantly whining about my wife or family in my movies.”
He saved the best for last. “Remember when I pretended battling Gary Oldman at the end of the movie and shouted “get off my plane!” just before sending him to his fake screaming death?” he asked. That’s exactly what I’m going to do to Donald Trump — minus the death part.”
Ford said that in addition to Air Force One, his work in the Star Wars franchise gives him additional credibility. “People love the dashing, devil-may-care Han Solo, and want a touch of Han in their president,” he said. “Plus, although my real dad was a horse thief, Han’s fictional dad was Darth Vader.” He looked around the room. “How cool is that?”
After USA Today reporter Bill Keveney corrected Ford that it was actually Luke Skywalker whose father was Darth Vader, he waved his hand dismissively. “Whatever, Trump still sucks.”
Trump responds
Informed of Harrison Ford’s candidacy, Donald Trump reacted predictably. “Harrison Ford is a totally overrated loser who died like a dog in that Star Wars movie with the black guy and the hot chick,” he snapped. “I call him ‘Horrible Harrison’ because he’s the worst actor in the history of American cinema.”
Retweet this if you are voting (or already voted).
(Chewie and I mailed in our ballots last week).
May the vote be with you! pic.twitter.com/PCAK13rrnI— Harrison Ford (@HarrisonFordLA) November 6, 2018
Asked if he believed Ford had a chance to win the Democratic nomination, Trump replied, “Well, he’s up against Pocahontas, Stupidhead Joe and Crazy Bernie, so who knows? But I just bagged Al Big Daddy — walked right up to him, said ‘Hasta la vista, Daddy’ — and shot him in the head.” The president’s face turned smug. “Let’s see Horrible Harrison top that in one of his fake news movies!”
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