Following the lead of the reality show presidency, the NFL will similarly blur the lines between between shameless promotion and abject entertainment. After Jennifer Lopez and Shakira play in the upcoming Super Bowl, the following year will see product placement take center stage. To wit, a raucous version of ‘Kars 4 Kids’ will be performed, followed by a beautiful rendition of Charmin’s ‘My Hiney’s Clean’.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IOIZzVGPYY
Super Bowl commercials
NFL spokeman Brian McCarthy addressed the decision during a press conference at the league’s New York office. “As we all know, there’s tremendous interest in Super Bowl commercials,” he said. “We believe the public expects — check that, demands — that we introduce them to the halftime show.” He smiled, eyeing the assembled press corps. “What better way to do that than headline two of the most popular commercial jingles in America today?”
Sitting with the reporters, CBS Sports writer Jason La Confora’s face wore a look of astonishment as he raised his hand. “Excuse me, did you just say those two jingles were popular?
“Of course,” replied McCarthy. “Turn on your radio and listen for a few minutes, and what do you hear?” He grabbed the microphone, cleared his throat and to the surprise of everyone in the room, broke into song. Even more surprisingly, after a few seconds, the reporters began singing along with him.
Doom chick doom chick doom doom doom doom, ONE eight seven seven KARS 4 KIDS, K-A-R-S KARS 4 KIDS, ONE eight seven seven KARS 4 KIDS, donate your car today!
McCarthy took a bow when he was finished, a smattering of applause filling the room. “I won’t do ‘My Hiney’s Clean’, but I assure you — it is,” he quipped as the press corps broke into laughter.
Laughter and tears
McCarthy indicated that the two jingles will toy with the emotions of the 65,000+ fans expected to fill Miami Gardens Stadium during Super Bowl 55. “We’re going to see ‘Kars 4 Kids’ played at a rousing tempo,” he noted, nodding his head. “It’s such a damn catchy tune that you can’t not sing it when it’s on the radio. We expect that about 65,000 angry, drunken fans will bring the house down belting it out.”
By contrast, ‘My Hiney’s Clean’ will tug at the audience’s heartstrings. “We’re going to slow it down, way down,” McCarthy said. “Obviously, we can’t have a cartoon on stage at the Super Bowl, so we’re taking a cue from the The Masked Singer.” He folded his arms. “We’ll have a big, dumb, doofus-looking bear-costumed singer and a piano on stage, with a spotlight directly on them. It’ll be a torchlight rendition of the jingle, surrounded by scantily-clad Vegas showgirls and a children’s choir.” Asked who would don the bear costume, McCarthy declined to answer. “I can’t tell you that, but I can say that her name rhymes with Grady YaYa.”
A new era
With controversies over players kneeling during the national anthem and debilitating injuries, the NFL has gone to its bag of tricks to maintain relevancy. “We’re instituting a half-point play next year,” indicated McCarthy. “And in addition to this Super Bowl chicanery, we’re allowing the Washington Redskins to re-brand as the Red Vines.”
The NFL spokesman confirmed that product placement was the logical next step. “The National Weather Services is doing it with hurricanes,” he pointed out, a wry smile on his face. “If they can trivialize something as devastating as a natural disaster with advertising, we can do the same to a stupid football game.”
McCarthy was circumspect about future halftime shows, but offered up a few thoughts about other entertaining jingles. “Meow Mix would make for a really fine show,” he said. “So would Empire Today, Kraft Crumbles, Chili’s Baby Back Ribs and the Pepto Bismol one where the people grab their mouths, stomachs and asses.” He held his arms out, palms up. “With the putrid state of advertising these days, the possibilities are endless.”
Twitter reacts
Not surprisingly, Twitter uses were not quite sure how to take the news about the NFL’s decision to feature ‘Kars 4 Kids’ and ‘My Hiney’s Clean’ in the Super Bowl.
We all know why 6 was afraid of 7, but why was 7 afraid of 1?
‘Cause 1-877-KARS4KIDS
K-A-R-S KARS4KIDS
1-877-K
— Commie By Your Name ☭ (@menbeyer) November 3, 2019
1-877-KARS-4-KIDS is quaking.
— Spencer Barrett (@spencerbarrett) November 3, 2019
I finally did it. Took 26 years, but I was finally able to call 1-877 Kars 4 Kids
Thanks to me, for Christmas, some well deserving child will be getting a 2003 Honda Accord with no front bumper, 3 working cylinders, a frozen driver side window, no radio, and a missing back tire
— Reginald (@ReginaldJansen) October 30, 2019
Y’all ever get that “my hiney’s clean” song from charmin stuck in your head?
— kenneth arthur (@KennethArthuRS) October 31, 2019
“i’ll pick it up, they’re clean. CAUSE MY HINEY’s CLEAN OH YEAh i’m Charming clean” 🐻
— 🎃🦇🧡 (@KarinaJisselle_) October 31, 2019
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