Pence Seeks Conversion Therapy After Shaking Hands with Mayor Pete

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Mike Pence checked into a conversion therapy clinic shortly after shaking Mayor Pete Buttieg’s hand at a South Bend black tie event, The Lucky Rock has learned.

“It was the damnedest thing,” said Buttigieg. “We both attended a Kars 4 Kids charity dinner last month, and naturally, we ran into one another. I said something along the lines of, “Good evening, Mr. Vice President,” and stuck out my hand.” Mayor Pete pantomimed holding his hand out. “Mr. Pence looked petrified, almost as if he thought I was a diseased leper or something. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally took my hand.” Buttigieg raised an eyebrow, adding, “Strangely, after maybe 30 long seconds, I was the one who had to break away from the handshake.”

Pence felt ‘tingly’

Asked to comment while mowing the lawn at his Number One Observatory Circle home, the vice president was surprisingly candid. “While I forgive Mr. Buttigieg, God doesn’t, as the Bible teaches us that he’s going straight to hell.” he replied. “I didn’t want to get dragged down there with him if the rapture occurred at that moment, so I was reluctant to shake his hand.” Pence wiped his brow with the back of his hand. “But mommy taught me good manners, so I did anyway.”

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Mayor Pete watches with amusement as Mike Pence flees the Kars 4 Kids charity event they both attended and heads straight for a conversion therapy center. Credit: Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/)
Pence said that upon taking Mayor Pete’s hand, he began to feel strangely. “I guess the best way to describe it is super tingly, almost like when I was on my first date with Mother.” The vice president smiled sheepishly. “Part of me wanted to run away screaming, but the other part wanted to hold his hand and never let go. Luckily, the impulse to flee was stronger, so I finally released, mumbled something about having another engagement, and got the hell out of there.”

Indiana conversion therapy

Within the hour, Pence said he had checked into Homo Erectus Conversion Center. “I needed a tune-up,” he confessed. “It’s always helpful to program wholesome, heterosexual church thoughts into your brain so that Satan’s gayness doesn’t sneak up on you. I was out in time for church on Sunday, where my congregation helped pray the last vestiges of gay away.”

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Vice President Pence, wearing a glazed expression after taking Mayor Pete’s hand. Credit: public domain.

Asked to describe the experience, he said he watched Predator and Terminator 2, baked cookies and participated in a Greco-Roman wrestling tournament, where he finished in third place. “We had a healthy dose of male bonding,” he said. “Boy, that Arnold Schwartzenegger sure has big muscles, doesn’t he?”

Trump responds

Asked to comment about his vice president’s sexual confusion, President Trump bragged that his administration was ‘very gay friendly’. “We had Jeff Sessions as Attorney General for a while, and he was probably gay,” he said. “I’ll bet Stephen Miller and Steven Mnuchin are, too.” Trump smirked, adding, “Pretty much anybody named ‘Steven’ is gay, that I can tell you.”

With respect to Pence, Trump replied, “I barely know him. Now, it’s possible I have a picture with him because I have a picture with everybody. I don’t know him, I don’t know about him, I don’t know what he does. Witch hunt!”

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