In addition to corroborating President Trump’s Ukraine extortion scheme, Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman’s impeachment inquiry testimony shed light on the failed US-North Korea summit in Hanoi last February. According to Vindman, Trump spent the entire time making inappropriate comments about the dong — Vietnam’s official currency.
Vietnam is thriving like few places on earth. North Korea would be the same, and very quickly, if it would denuclearize. The potential is AWESOME, a great opportunity, like almost none other in history, for my friend Kim Jong Un. We will know fairly soon – Very Interesting!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 27, 2019
Dong shock
The Army officer said Trump’s off-the-rails behavior began when he tried to tip the chauffeur taking him to the hotel hosting the summit meeting. “Here you go, Charlie Chan,” the president said as the limo pulled up, handing the driver a twenty dollar bill. “Go buy yourself something pretty”.
The male chauffeur cocked an eyebrow, unsure of how to respond. “Please to accept my humble apologies, Mr. President,” he replied. “I can only take dong.”
According to Vindman, Trump exclaimed, “WHAT?!!”, visibly taken aback. “What is this, a gay nightclub?”
The cadre of advisers surrounding the president informed him that the dong was the official currency of Vietnam, and had been so for over 40 years. “He couldn’t comprehend what we were telling him,” explained Vindman. “We tried and tried, but he had that same look he gets when he watches Schoolhouse Rock demonstrate how a bill becomes a law. He just stares straight ahead with this glazed, confused look and says, ‘I don’t get it’ over and over again.”
Meeting with Kim Jong Un
Inside the lavish hotel meeting room, Trump continued to obsess about the Vietnamese currency. “Hey, Humpty,” Trump said to the North Korean dictator, elbowing him in the ribs. “My driver asked me for dong, can you believe that?”
Kim blinked, a bewildered look on his face. “Pardon me?”
Trump nodded. “Yeah, I was shocked too. I was like, no way Sulu, go ask Mike Pence.”
As the summit progressed, Kim Jong Un laid out his formal request for unilateral sanctions relief as a precondition for any reciprocal action by North Korea. “Excuse me, Chun King, but how many dongs does a dollar buy?” Trump interrupted, clearly bored. “What’s the exchange rate?”
“TWO MILLION?” yelled the president, unable to contain himself. “Are you fucking kidding me? He proceeded to pull out his wallet, peeled off a $100 bill and handed it to a North Korean guard stationed nearby. “Here, Jackie Chan, go buy yourself an island.” He tossed another $100 at a stunned female negotiator. “Hey Lucy Liu, you look like you’ve enjoyed plenty of dongs in your past. How about some more?”
Vindman recalled that after angrily throwing wads of cash around, Trump motioned for his team to stand up. “We’re not going to make a great, great deal for our country with a bunch of dong-loving millionaires,” he thundered. “We’re outta here!”
“But Mr. Trump, the dong is Vietnamese currency,” said Chief of Staff Ri Yong Gil. “We’re North Koreans!”
“Fake news!” snapped Trump, leading his team out the door. And with that, the summit was officially over.
The blame game
On the return flight, the president and his team strategized about who to blame for Trump’s incoherent negotiating methods. “Kellyanne Conway suggested we keep bringing up Hillary Clinton, no matter what the question,” said Vindman. “Mike Pompeo wanted to pin everything on the Deep State, and Stephen Miller recommended Mexican drug dealers and rapists.”
In the end, according to Vindman, Trump laid the blame on his favorite target.
The Do Nothing Democrats are Con Artists, only looking to hurt the Republican Party and President. Their total focus is 2020, nothing more, and nothing less. The good news is that WE WILL WIN!!!!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 9, 2019
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