Hormel to Court Millennials with New Spam-Flavored Vegan Drink

Posted on by admin

Acknowledging the growing popularity of veganism, Hormel announced it will soon introduce a Spam-flavored drink called Sham. According to a company spokesperson, Sham will marry the flavor of Spam with vegan ingredients and pour like a ‘chunky, runny milkshake’.

Shake plus Spam equals Sham

Hormel Foods Director of Marketing Amy Sand acknowledged the 82-year old food product is badly in need of a reboot. “Spam has seen better days,” she admitted. “Remember when we were kids and mom made it for dinner practically every night? Sure, it was gross, but we somehow managed to choke it down.” She smiled, scanning the room. “Nowadays, hardly anyone eats Spam anymore, except in Hawaii where everyone eats the vile sludge.” Sand shook her head. “Stupid Hawaiians.”

Spam
Sham will taste like Spam, pour like a chunky milkshake and appeal to Millennials. Credit: public domain.

Sand claimed the new drink — Sham — will target Millennials by reintroducing Spam as a socially responsible drink. “The name is an amalgam of ‘shake’ and ‘Spam’,” she explained. “In the past, we tried to link meat to greater popularity, being better looking, even becoming smarter, but no dice. So we’re throwing in the towel and introducing an exciting new vegan drink that tastes just like Spam.”

Asked to describe it, Sand was effusive in her praise. “Think of a chunky, runny milkshake,” she gushed. “One that tastes like Spam but has no meat in it whatsoever.” Asked how that was possible, she replied, “It’s not like Spam has a whole lot of meat in it to begin with. We run hot water and plant-based solvents over massive hunks of Spam, strain out the particulates, and capture the flavor in a brine.” She licked her lips. “Add potato starch, aspic, diced Brussels sprouts and spices and whip in a massive, industrial-strength KitchenAid, and you get an incredible, delicious slurry.” She nodded her head and added, “Turn the tables on Mom and serve it to her for dinner this weekend.”

Other uses

In addition to a shake-like drink, Sand asserted that Sham can be used in a myriad of different ways. “Drizzled over mashed potatoes makes for a fantastic gravy,” she claimed. “Millennials don’t drink milk, so as a change of pace, how about pouring it over cereal in the morning?” The Hormel spokeswoman further suggested dessert alternatives like vegan frosting and an ‘amazing’ vegan pudding. “The possibilities will be endless.”

spam
Sham will pour like a brown, chunky slurry. Credit: public domain.

Sand indicated that scientists at Hormel Foods are working on a potential green energy use for Sham. “We decided to experiment by pumping Sham into the gas tank of a 2014 Honda Accord to see what would happen,” she said. “After turning the engine over, it sputtered like a mother, backfired about fifty times, and then caught fire. Shortly thereafter, it exploded.” Noticing the alarmed looks on the faces of the reporters, she laughed. “Don’t worry, we put it out,” she assured the crowd. “But the mere fact that it burned tells us that we’re on to something. Don’t be surprised if someday every vehicle in America is Sham-powered.”

Ad campaign

Hormel will go retro in its marketing efforts for Sham.

“There’s this old commercial where a noodle and a hunk of cheese are bored out of their minds at a restaurant until Spam saves the day,” Sand reminisced. “Instead of a big can of Spam, though, we’ll have Sham poured all over them, after which they’ll be quickly eaten by a bunch of hungry, hungry hipsters.”

Twitter reacts

Twitter users were thrilled to hear about Hormel’s new Spam derivative drink.

Follow us on Facebook!

Published by admin