Minutes before President Trump was scheduled to address the nation to air his grievances over the Democratic impeachment efforts, Almighty God performed a switcheroo miracle, zapping Trump into limbo and replacing him with the Trump baby blimp. He then faced the camera to warn Americans about widespread political corruption.
Trump disappears
As the countdown to airtime ticked away, the lights in the makeshift studio in the Oval Office began to glow brilliantly. While technicians scrambled in response, the sound system roared to life, the triumphant tones of Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” filling the air.
“What the hell is going on?” exclaimed Trump, pausing in mid-orange pancake makeup application. Seeing the shrugs around the room, the president said, “Goddamn it, if you sons of bit —”. The president’s words were abruptly cut off as he summarily vanished into thin air.
Stunned, the fifty or so witnesses to the event soon broke into wild applause, shouting celebratory words like ‘finally!’ and ‘thank God!’ Seconds later, the Trump baby blimp materialized in his place behind the Resolute desk. Jaws dropped in astonishment as the baby blimp scanned the room and cocked a painted eyebrow.
“HUMANS!” roared the baby blimp. “It is I, Almighty God! I have descended to Earth to discuss your shameful political corruption.” Upon hearing His words, the participants fell to their knees in worship.
“Almighty blimp, am I now president?” asked a trembling Vice President Pence. “I am not ‘Almighty blimp’!” thundered the Lord. “And Good Me, no! The one you call ‘Trump’ is merely in limbo, debating the Crowdstrike conspiracy theory with Blackbeard the pirate.” God motioned to the cameraman and commanded, “Yo, man bun … turn that picture-taking thingy on and let’s get this show on the road.”
Puzzled, the technician replied, “Do you mean the camera?” Thunder immediately ripped through the air. “TURN THE BLESSING THING ON!”
The baby blimp addresses the nation
When the indicator light turned green, the Lord began speaking to the millions of Americans watching on television. “America, your nation is replete with political corruption,” He proclaimed angrily. “Your president alone has issued something like a thousand false statements since he took office. That’s blessing unacceptable!” Informed by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo that the number was over 13,000, He bellowed, “WHAT?!! Who is he, Richard Nixon?” He grumbled under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”
According to @washingtonpost Trump has made 13,435 false or misleading statements since he was inaugurated: https://t.co/xx1xZgCHj2
— Jason Campbell (@JasonSCampbell) October 28, 2019
God continued. “I read in the Washington Post that your president withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to leverage a public statement from president what’s-his-name claiming Joe Biden was under investigation.” Blimp God frowned and shook Its head. “That’s shady stuff right there, man.”
“O God, the president says the Washington Post is fake news!” cried Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao. “The president says the Washington Post is fake news!” mocked the baby blimp sarcastically, rolling its fake eyes. “The mainstream media has rigorous fact-checking guidelines and strict editorial standards, The only ‘fake news’ I know of is Trump weighing just 239 pounds.”
The Lord noted that corruption has infected more than just the presidency. “Special interests have intimidated policymakers from passing sensible gun laws, providing reasonable health care and combating rising global temperatures,” He fumed. “And they have the nerve to cherry-pick the most boring Bible versus to justify themselves!”
The solution
The Lord opened a glowing Bible. “The Good Book has the answers to all of man’s challenges,” He stated. “In fact, Isaiah I:4 addresses this very subject.”
Ah sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, a seed of evildoers, children that are corrupters: they have forsaken the Lord, they have provoked the Holy One of Israel unto anger, they are gone away backward.
The baby blimp closed the glowing Bible. “Ok, so maybe that was a little boring,” He admitted, shaking His head. He turned and looked directly into the camera. “I’m looking at you, Hunter, Jared, Don Jr. and Ivanka.” Asked about Eric, God added, “Oh yeah, I always forget that poor sucker. Straighten up and blessing fly right, the lot of you!”
The Trump baby blimp closed with, “And may Me bless the United States of America.” With that, He exploded in a flash of brilliant white light, returning the Lord to His throne in heaven.
As the smoke cleared, the onlookers were disappointed to see President Trump back in his chair, a smug look on his face. “Hey Mulvaney, I wanna make that Blackbeard guy Secretary of Defense, okay?”
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