Shortly after naming John Legend “Sexiest Man Alive”, People Magazine gave Rudy Giuliani its coveted “Sexiest Crazy SOB Alive” designation for 2019.
“Mayor Giuliani richly deserves this honor,” lavished Editor-in-Chief Dan Wakeford. “This is the first year we’ve issued this award, and frankly, he’ll probably win it again next year. And the year after that, and the year after that.” Wakeford paused, stroking his chin. “Like a vampire, guys like him seem to hang around forever.”
Giuliani is batshit crazy
Wakeford confirmed that the former Mayor scored highly in all of the criteria established by the magazine’s editorial board. “First, we had to prove he was nuts,” he explained. “And we were like, dude, that’s less difficult than boiling water. It took us five minutes to gather enough crazy tweets and wild YouTube videos to check that box.”
The lunatic Dems now say defending POTUS is a personal not national interest.
They ignore that defending a POTUS against FALSE charges is in the nation’s best interest!
Particularly if they are part of a frame-up or, as the anonymous WB’s lawyer Zaid said in 2017, a “coup”.
— Rudy Giuliani (@RudyGiuliani) November 8, 2019
Giuliani’s case was further bolstered by the following paranoid, circular logic comment on live television:
Explain to me why they even need an interview with the president if it isn’t to try to trap him into perjury, which is what the judge in the Manafort case has said about them. They basically are trapping people into perjury.
The People Magazine editor acknowledged that Giuliani wasn’t alone in his baseless claims of coups, perjury traps and wild-eyed behavior. And yet, his journey to crazy town made him particularly unique, even among politicians. “He was ‘America’s Mayor’ less than 20 years ago,” Wakeford lamented. “Now he’s just ‘Colludy Giuliani’.”
Giuliani is an SOB
After establishing that he was certifiably crazy, the next step was determining whether or not Giuliani was an SOB. “Next year, we’re going to make this process much more challenging,” vowed Wakeford. Asked to elaborate, he replied, “It’s all over the freaking news right now!”
Wakeford pointed to the impeachment hearings consuming Washington as proof of the former Mayor’s son-of-a-bitchness. “The guy goes off half-cocked and hatches a lame scheme to cook the 2020 presidential election.” He shook his head. “And gets caught. He’s not only an SOB, but a spectacularly inept one at that.”
Sexy like a doorknob
The final task was to make a convincing case that Giuliani was, in fact, sexy. “He’s not most women’s cup of tea,” admitted Wakeford. “After all, he’s a desiccated, ghoulish ectomorph with big eyes, fake teeth and feet that smell like swamp ass.”
The People Magazine editor paused, holding up a single finger. “And yet, there’s more to Rudy than meets the eyes,” he asserted. “He’s almost height/weight proportionate, his dentures shine like freshly urinated-upon snow, and he’s got a chin that would drive women wild if it were attached to Jason Mamoa. Couple that with slumping shoulders and a dastardly laugh and you’ve got a real-life Montgomery Burns.”
Noting that Burns had been engaged to three women and once had an affair with Countess von Zeppelin, Wakeford claimed the aforementioned traits proved Giuliani’s sexiness. “He has plenty of ill-gotten money, so he can shower women with bribes, too,” he said. “He’s the perfect sugar daddy — minus the sugar. To paraphrase the Coach from Cheers, he’s sexy like a doorknob.”
The awards ceremony
Wakeford indicated that the “Sexiest Crazy SOB Alive” award would be handed out next August. “It’ll be given to Mr. Giuliani during the Republican National Convention next year,” he said. “With beefcakes like Donald Trump, Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell in attendance, it’ll be a real coup for him to be so honored.” Wakeford checked his Twitter feed and exhaled, rolling his eyes, “Speaking of coups, I see ol’ Rudy is at it again. See you in August, numb nuts!”
“#coup has started. First of many steps. #rebellion…” – Annoymous and fake WB’s lawyer, 10 days after @realDonaldTrump was inaugurated.
This has been a staged coup from day one!
— Rudy Giuliani (@RudyGiuliani) November 19, 2019
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