In response to the dramatic increase in flags thrown this year, the NFL will eliminate most penalties starting with the 2021 season. Instead, the league will empower officials to use their words to influence future behavior.
“As society has evolved, so must the National Football League,” acknowledged NFL spokesman Joe Lockhart. “Just as parental spanking has become taboo, so must penalties be after rules violations. We’re going to emphasize positive reinforcement by requiring referees to issue fatherly advice to players who commit infractions.”
Less officiating in general would be a positive…As a football fan between penalties and commercials NFL watchability has nosedived the last 2-3 yrs https://t.co/a4cmWCVp64
— Pat Spadaro (@pat_spadaro) November 26, 2017
NFL game times are on the rise
According to Lockhart, the impetus for a number of recent rule changes is the sharp increase in average game times over the past decade. “Ten years ago, NFL games took about three hours to play,” he said. “In 2016, the average time was roughly three hours and eight minutes.” Lockhart wagged a finger at the assembled press corps. “That’s eight minutes of your lives you’ll never get back.”
Lockhart indicated that in order to stem the tide of longer games, all options were on the table. “We considered reducing halftimes to 75 seconds,” he disclosed. “We also floated revolutionary ideas like two downs instead of four, allowing just one punt per game, gradually speeding up the pace of the clock during the second half and creating half-point scoring plays. In the end, we decided NFL fans weren’t ready for most of those changes and only adopted the half-point play.” The NFL spokesman paused, a wry smile on his face. “That it, until now.”
Fatherly advice
Players and fans alike agree that a controversial element of almost every NFL game is the amount, scope and timing of penalties. “We get dozens of angry emails about the officials every single week,” Lockhart said. “Craig Wrolstad is a dingus, Jerome Boger should be nicknamed ‘Booger’, John Hussey is a tramp, you name it.” He folded his arms, adding, “And those are just from the players.”
Lockhart announced that starting with the 2021 NFL campaign, nearly all penalties will be replaced by words of encouragement. “Since players are committing more penalties than ever, it’s clear that negative reinforcement doesn’t work,” he noted. “So we’re approaching things from an entirely different angle. The referees will still throw flags, but instead of hurting the player’s feelings with penalties, the official will give him fatherly advice about appropriate behavior. He’ll pull him aside, throw his arm around him, and try to get through to him in a positive, nurturing manner.”
Personal fouls
According to Lockhart, the only remaining penalties will be for personal fouls. “We can’t allow bad behavior to go unpunished,” he said. “We’ve made a number of changes over the years to minimize injuries and to make things better for everyone, this new rule included. But just as our recent emphasis has been on niceness, we have to strongly reject not niceness.”
Lockhart cocked an eyebrow and introduced the NFL’s new motto. “Our league mantra is ‘Niceness is good, but not niceness is not nice’.”
League-approved scripts
The NFL spokesman handed the press a league-approved script for how a referee might deal with a player guilty of a false start.
(Slinging arm around player) XXX, we both know you shouldn’t have done that. It’s selfish to start before the rest of the players, as that creates uncertainty and confusion for both teams (emphasize both). When you don’t act in your team’s best interests, you’re not only hurting your teammates, you’re hurting yourself (nodding reassuringly). You don’t want to hurt yourself, do you XXX? Now please, promise me you’ll never, ever do that again, okay? (gives XXX a hug).
A side benefit to substituting fatherly lectures for penalties will be the significant decrease in time of play. “Without the imposition of negative yardage, games will go much faster,” he predicted. “You’ll get those eight minutes back and a whole bunch of Highway to Heaven – style fatherly moments. That’s going to play wonderfully to the heathens who skipped church to watch the game and then go to hell.”
The NFL will initiate the rule during the second half of Super Bowl 55 in Tampa, Florida, and make it a permanent rule change the following season.
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