Reacting to a lawsuit filed against her by her owner, Devin Nunes’ cow had harsh words for the longtime GOP congressman.
“It’s a bunch of us shit!” spat Winnie the Moo, a 1,300-pound dairy cow on Nunes’ Iowa farm. “Bullshit, horse shit, dog shit, whatever you want to call it. I speak for the entire animal kingdom when I say that Devin Nunes is batshit crazy.”
Nunes is controversial
Having served California’s 22nd congressional district since 2003, Nunes has been a highly controversial Republican politican in recent years. However, it was his $250 million lawsuit against Devin Nunes’ cow, Twitter and other defendants that sent the 15-year old Holstein over the edge. “Does he think I’m made of money?” she asked rhetorically. “I suppose in a way I am, since I can be ground into hamburger, but still.” Winnie the Moo thought about it, and then dropped a wink. “Or should I say hamberder?”
Devin Nunes’ cow said the lawsuit represented a new low in the human race’s ‘war on animals’. “They already arrest us, imprison us and eat us,” she grumped. “And now they’re starting to sue us? What’s next, mate with us?”
Devin Nunes’ Cow is a hero
Other members of Nunes’ farm consider Winnie the Moo a hero. “She speaks for all of us,” offered Moogan Freeman, a 10-year old dairy cow. Fellow milking partner MooDonna was pointed in her criticism. “He deserves it. He doesn’t get out here very often, but when he does, I don’t want those ice-cold hands anywhere near my teats,” she complained. Head egg-layer Mother Clucker indicated that the chicken community had little respect for the congressman as well. “He’s a douche. Am I allowed to say that word without getting bleeped?”
‘Udderly ridiculous’
Devin Nunes’ cow said her owner’s lawsuit was baseless and without merit. “It’s udderly ridiculous”, she snapped, rolling her eyes and twitching her tail. “I don’t have fingers, so it’s pretty hard for me to type a message on Twitter. I have to use my nose and keep the message short and sweet. And yet I still commit fewer typos than Donald Trump.”
Rocky fought the Russians 🐮 https://t.co/ZeaSvv1buf
— Devin Nunes’ cow 🐮 (@DevinCow) November 28, 2019
Winnie the Moo referenced a Bugs Bunny cartoon to further vent against her owner. “I can tell you that even the bunny community can’t stand him,” she said. “He’s a gullibull nincowpoop, that’s for damn sure.” She snorted, bellowing out a loud moo. “I’m pretty sure it was Devin Bugs was talking about in that clip.”
Answering the lawsuit
In an initial response to the lawsuit, Winnie the Moo’s lawyer fired off a letter calling it ‘not very amoosing’. “Why would a human sue a cow?” asked attorney Perry Mooson. The text of the letter was leaked to The Lucky Rock and reads as follows:
Dear Congressman Nunes,
I find your lawsuit against my client not very amoosing. We have two words in response: moo you. To amplify, moo you and the horse you rode in on. That is, if you can find one that will tolerate your Trump-loving butt long enough for you to ride it. Frankly, I have my doubts.
Very truly yours,
Perry Mooson, Esq.
The next step
Devin Nunes’ cow indicated that her next step was to raise money to help pay for her legal expenses. “Yes, you heard that right,” she said. “A cow has to set up a legal defense fund to defend herself against a frivolous human lawsuit.” She stopped long enough to excrete breakfast onto the floor of her stall, then continued. “Will wonders never cease?”
A spokesman for Nunes declined to comment, other than to hint that Winnie the Moo may have been involved in Joe Biden’s alleged ‘corrupt’ Ukrainian dealings. “This may just be the tip of the iceberg,” he sniffed. “It’s like deja-moo all over again.”
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