After issuing a wild screed against the wind, Donald Trump went further off the rails on Friday. In a largely incoherent interview with The Lucky Rock, the president declared war on renewable energy and vowed he would loudly and repeatedly break wind in order to defeat it. “I’ve broken plenty of harder things than wind,” […]
Read More Trump Declares War on Clean Energy, Threatens to Break WindDoodlebug, doodlebug, Come out of your hole Your house is on fire, And your children will burn. Imagine a predator with a plump abdomen, large jaws and a yuge appetite. Donald Trump? Too obvious. In this case, the honor goes to nature’s real-life Star Wars representation: the antlion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAnkFVaKnec Doodlebug, doodlebug The antlion is a fascinating […]
Read More The Antlion: Doodlebug, Doodlebug, Come out of Your HoleAt a campaign rally following his historic impeachment, President Trump flipped the script on his Democratic foes, claiming he had actually won a prestigious award. “I’ve been imcheaped!” bellowed the president to an adoring crowd of over 5,400 fans at the Kellogg Arena in Battle Creek, Michigan. “Can you believe that? People are saying I’m […]
Read More President Trump Insists ‘Imcheapment’ Is a Congressional Fiscal AwardIn a sharp rebuke of his own creation, Stephen Spielberg announced that Universal Studios will shelve the next seven Jurassic World sequels. The iconic franchise will lie dormant for a quarter century, before resuming with the tenth installment in 2045. “As a franchise, we suck dinosaur eggs,” he complained, addressing a coterie of reporters. “The […]
Read More Universal Studios Cancels Next Seven ‘Jurassic World’ SequelsWhile peeing at a Bernie Sanders rally, a local college student began to ‘feel the Bern’ and rushed to the free clinic for treatment. “I was really scared,” said 20 year old Trevor Whitman. “I thought I might have the clap.” Bernie Sanders’ appeal A self-avowed Democratic Socialist, the 78 year old Sanders has managed […]
Read More Man Rushes to Doctor After Starting to ‘Feel the Bern’ at a Sanders RallyFollowing a torrid 15-month affair, President Trump called Kim Jong Un over the weekend, pleading with the North Korean leader not to end their relationship. “It was embarrassing,” confessed an unnamed White House source. “Donald was, how you say, crying throughout phone call. I kept saying ‘Donald, you’re making a fool of yourself, be best’.” […]
Read More Source: Emotional Trump Begs Kim Jong Un Not to End AffairLast week, a Chester, Texas dirt farmer learned a hard lesson about ignoring ancient warnings. Don’t do it. “I got me this weird lookin’ horse as an early Christmas present from Uncle Buck,” said subsistence farmer Joe Bucket. “I named her Forrest Jump after that retarded guy in that old flick.” Gently reminded that he […]
Read More Texas Farmer Ignores Warnings, Looks Gift Horse in the Mouth
