Texas Farmer Ignores Warnings, Looks Gift Horse in the Mouth

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Last week, a Chester, Texas dirt farmer learned a hard lesson about ignoring ancient warnings. Don’t do it.

“I got me this weird lookin’ horse as an early Christmas present from Uncle Buck,” said subsistence farmer Joe Bucket. “I named her Forrest Jump after that retarded guy in that old flick.” Gently reminded that he had just used an unacceptable word, he replied, “Sorry, movie.”

Bucket patted Forrest Jump on the head. “Anyway, y’all never seen a horse work so hard. I grow corn, carrots and other vegetables, and Forrest plows the fields.” The dirt farmer put his hand on her back and said, “I don’t care what y’all think, I ain’t gonna eat her.” He chuckled to himself, adding, “Probably.”

Looking a gift horse in the mouth

Shortly after the animal was delivered, Bucket said he checked her from stem to stern. “She looked damn darn good,” he proclaimed. “No strangles, sleeping sickness, lockjaw, or horse fever. Little knock-kneed, but hey, she was free, so whatever.”

horse
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, Texas dirt farmer Joe Bucket mistook a camel for a horse. Credit: Daderot [Public domain]
When it came time to check out her teeth, Bucket hesitated. “When I was a young’un, Granny, she said ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’. She said that all the time, so it must have been true.” He crossed his arms, shifting his weight. “So I had me a riddle. I gotta see if she has all her teeth — the horse, not Granny — but if I do, I’m lookin’ her square in the mouth.”

In the end, Bucket decided he had to ignore Granny’s wisdom. “I thought, well, maybe it didn’t really mean nothin’ after all,” he said. “I gotta know what’s going on in her mouth and all that stuff.” He decided to works his way from behind a fence, just in case she tried to bite him. “I figured I would lure her to me, grab her head, pull her against the fence and pry her mouth open from there,” he explained.

Bucket’s plan quickly went awry. “She spit on me!” he exclaimed, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “She goddamn spit on me!”

Alternative facts

Not exactly a Mensa candidate, the dirt farmer had mistaken a camel for a horse. When presented with that fact, he refused to accept it. “Y’all, she’s a horse,” he insisted. “This ain’t Egypt. She’s got a mane, big teeth, smells awful bad and plows the fields like a bitch. If she’s a camel, then I’m John Elway.”

Asked if he ever took a look into Forrest Jump’s mouth, Buck laughed. “I ain’t makin’ the same mistake twice,” he replied. “Granny was right, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” Taking a long look, he rubbed his chin and said to himself, “I’m still a little pissed off about getting spit on by ol’ Forrest Jump here. Granny never said nothin’ about eatin’ no gift horse.”

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