Following a torrid 15-month affair, President Trump called Kim Jong Un over the weekend, pleading with the North Korean leader not to end their relationship.
“It was embarrassing,” confessed an unnamed White House source. “Donald was, how you say, crying throughout phone call. I kept saying ‘Donald, you’re making a fool of yourself, be best’.” The source brushed the hair from her eyes and shook her head. “Sadly, he is nowhere near best.”
Roly Poly
President Trump and Kim Jong Un have long had a complicated relationship. Initially, the two despised one another, with Kim Jong Un dismissing the president as a ‘dotard‘ while Trump labeled him ‘Little Rocket Man‘.
📈 Kim Jong Un calls Trump a mentally deranged U.S. dotard. Searches for 'dotard' are high as a kite. https://t.co/HztPoLSjXi
— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) September 21, 2017
“We didn’t like each other, so what?” barked a combative Trump, bracing at the unnamed source’s critical tone. “He was unfair to me, very unfair.” Trump folded his arms. “Did you ever see When Harry Met Sally? They didn’t like each other in the beginning, but they eventually fell in love.”
After months of tit-for-tat posturing and bellicose brinkmanship, however, the two leaders eventually developed a deep affection for one another.
When I first laid eyes on him I laughed just like the rest The more I saw the more of him The more I liked him best Got a Roly Poly Baby Point to him with pride He's my Roly Poly Baby I'm satisfied I call him Ya Ya Roly Poly Ya Ya Roly Poly Ya Ya Roly Poly Ya Ya Roly Poly Ya Ya Roly Ya Ya Poly Ya Ya Roly Poly
In love
The president recalled the moment his affections turned to love. “I was in West Virginia, in front of thousand of Trump fans,” he bragged. “The biggest rally they’d ever seen, so many people that millions had to be turned away.” Trump nodded his head, repeating his claim. “Millions!”
The president smirked, his eyes glistening with the memory. “And I told them, hey, we were going back and forth and being really tough with one another. He’s a strong leader, one who has total control of his country. He wrote me beautiful letters, and then we fell in love, okay?” He recalled pacing the stage and bellowing, “We fell in love!”
The source glared at him, her eyes showing daggers. “Look, if you can almost make out with Justin Trudeau, I can fall in love with Kim Jong Un,” he said. “At least I didn’t grab him by the pussy.”
I thought #BeBest is for those who get grabbed by the pussy…and like it. Right, Melania, lady of grace?
— TrickOrTweet (@TrickOrTweet14) October 8, 2019
The break up
Despite two failed summits and a pointless photo op, the president’s love for Kim Jong Un remained strong. However, as summer turned to fall, the North Korean leader grew weary of Trump’s empty affections. “They called me a dotard again!” Trump fumed incredulously. “After all the love I’ve shown him, that’s not very nice. Not nice at all, that I can tell you!”
The source broke her silence. “Donald called him over weekend on his iPhone and begged him to not dump him,” she said, her jaw clenched tightly. “He was sobbing, snot running out of nose, pleading with him to change his mind. I could hear it from my bedroom across the hall.”
Clearly irritated, the president waved his hand dismissively. “It was a perfect call,” he proclaimed. “A perfect call! If he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, then I don’t want to be his boyfriend, believe me.”
At the very moment Trump declared his love affair with Kim Jong Un over, Vice President Mike Pence stepped into the room. Hearing the topic of same-sex love, Pence’s eyes rolled up in his head and he fainted, spilling a cup of tea all over the floor. “Clean that up!” Trump ordered. The source’s face darkened and eyes narrowed, her thinly-veiled contempt now on full display. “Oh, I’ll clean up, Donald, just as soon as you’re out of office. It will be best — believe me!“
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