While peeing at a Bernie Sanders rally, a local college student began to ‘feel the Bern’ and rushed to the free clinic for treatment.
“I was really scared,” said 20 year old Trevor Whitman. “I thought I might have the clap.”
Bernie Sanders’ appeal
A self-avowed Democratic Socialist, the 78 year old Sanders has managed to win the hearts of younger voters, in large part by promising them bagfuls of cash. “When three families have more wealth than everyone else on Earth combined, I think there’s a problem,” exhorted Sanders. “Young people are the dregs of society, along with dog show trainers and homeless people.” Managing a grimace, he added, “They’re going to win big — yoooj — when I become president. I’ll tax the hell out of the millionaires and billionaires and give them all the money.” Sanders paused, waving his arm wildly. “Every damn penny!”
A secondary appeal of Sanders is his Columbo-like appearance. “He’s always filthy and disheveled and looks like he slept in his car for a week,” noted Whitman’s girlfriend Kimberly Baxter. “If he took a shower and was sixty years younger, he’d be totally bangable.”
New Hampshire Rally
Whitman said that although extremely progressive, he went to the rally with an open mind. “I like candidates that offer free stuff,” he acknowledged. “Cash, hoodies, candy bars, Super Big Gulps, whatever. The millionaires and billionaires have enough money so that they can afford to give me some. I read somewhere that Bloomberg could pay everyone a thousand dollars to vote for him.” Whitman shrugged his shoulders and flashed a nervous smile. “Sign me up for that, man!”
As Sanders delivered his typical shopworn speech railing against the wealthy, Whitman’s ears perked up. “Since I’m a computer science major, I actually found myself salivating when he started doing math.”
When we talk about oligarchy, let us be clear about what we mean. Right now, in the United States of America, three families control more wealth than the bottom half of our country, some 160 million Americans. The top 1% own more wealth than the bottom 92% and 49% of all new income generated today goes to the top 1%. In fact, income and wealth inequality today in the United States is greater than at any time since the 1920s.
At that point, the Super Big Gulp Whitman chugged before the rally was pressing on his bladder, so he hurried over to a nearby porta potty. In the middle of relieving himself, he began to feel decidedly strange.
Feel the Bern
“As I was peeing, I felt this weird discomfort,” Whitman admitted. “I don’t really know how else to describe it. Since I had gone to a frat party the night before, I thought maybe I’d gotten the clap from some skank. Whatever it was, I was definitely starting to ‘feel the Bern’.
The Clap… Feel the Bern…
— MJR jnr (@onetruebritt) April 30, 2019
The college student was alarmed at what was happening in the Honey Bucket. “What if I had gonorrhea?” he asked himself. “Or genital warts? My girlfriend would kill me!” At his side, she frowned and shifted uncomfortably. “Whatever it was, I had to get myself to the free clinic to be checked out — pronto.”
The free clinic
Whitman fled the rally and drove to the Suspended License Free Clinic in Hinsdale, New Hampshire. “I went there once before when I got that Buzz Lightyear toy stuck up my butt,” he explained. “They don’t judge.”
After describing his symptoms to the doctor and peeing into a cup, Whitman was told that he didn’t appear to have anything physically wrong with him. “What were they implying?” he demanded. “That I’m mental or something?”
Whitman said that although relieved to be cleared of syphilis, he didn’t recommend anyone else going through the same health scare. “‘Feel the Bern’, my ass,” he spat, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Bernie can stick it where the Buzz Lightyear don’t shine.”
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