Universal Studios Cancels Next Seven ‘Jurassic World’ Sequels

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In a sharp rebuke of his own creation, Stephen Spielberg announced that Universal Studios will shelve the next seven Jurassic World sequels. The iconic franchise will lie dormant for a quarter century, before resuming with the tenth installment in 2045.

“As a franchise, we suck dinosaur eggs,” he complained, addressing a coterie of reporters. “The first Jurassic Park film was great, but it’s been straight down the crapper since then, with each movie getting progressively worse.” He held his nose, as if someone in the audience had cut a fart. “Most episodes of The Flintstones were scarier than the last movie.”

Jurassic World
Dinosaurs probably never existed, but if they did, they were stupid. Credit: FabSubeject [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/)

Jurassic World has fallen and it can’t get up

Spielberg said the franchise has been in a tailspin for decades. “It started in 1997 with The Lost World, which I absolutely hated while producing and directing.” Seeing the surprised looks on the reporters’ faces, he continued. “I mean, come on! A T-Rex takes a cruise to San Diego, eats a dog and acts like a goddamn Godzilla,” He shook his head with disgust. “Puh-lease!”

Asked why he didn’t do more to effect change, Spielberg replied, “It was obvious the franchise had sunk into dog shit territory the moment I agreed to make the first sequel. In many respects, doing nothing is its own solution to society’s current problems, things like climate change, health care, political corruption and gun violence.” He shrugged his shoulders, palms extended. “Sometimes it’s best just to ignore them.”

The nadir of the series was the final installment. “A dinosaur runs around inside a mansion, trying to eat the main characters, even climbing on the freaking roof,” he noted with barely-veiled contempt. “The writers didn’t even know that 66 million year-old mansions don’t have roofs.”

The franchise is a dinosaur

Jurassic World
Insipid story lines and dinosaurs without feathers have turned the ‘Jurassic World’ franchise into a fossil. Credit: Marco Becerra [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org)
Spielberg insisted that the franchise has suffered because people simply no longer believe in dinosaurs anymore. “When we were children, The Flintstones taught us that dinosaurs not only were real, but doubled as household appliances. Thanks to influential politicians and ignorant athletes, nobody believes in dinosaurs today.” He looked up at the press, asking, “Guess who else is a dino denier,” jerking a thumb toward himself. “This guy!”

When Jurassic Park hit the theaters in 1993, times were different. “We originally intended it to be a fact-based documentary,” Spielberg explained. “How dinosaurs lived and worked, interacted with homo sapiens, invented the wheel, that sort of thing. To attract evangelical patrons, we wrote Dr. Grant as Adam, Dr. Sattler as Eve, John Hammond as God and Dr. Malcolm as Jesus. He cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, and Dennis Nedry as Judas.”

Jurassic World
Newman = Judas. Credit: public domain

However, despite the noble intentions, the public had literally no interest in scientific or spiritual edification. “All they wanted was to be mindlessly entertained,” he grumped. “And that’s why the franchise has already become a fossil.” He shook his head with disgust, adding, “Stupid homos.”

Next up: Jurassic World 10

In the wake of the exceedingly poor reviews of Fallen Kingdom, Universal Studios decided it’s time to pull the plug on the Jurassic World franchise — for now. “It’s not gone forever,” Spielberg assured the reporters. “Just for the next quarter century or so. That should buy enough time for, you know, enough old people to die and younger people to age out and lose their marbles so that we can start all over again.”

The decision on who will helm Jurassic World 10 won’t be made for decades, but Spielberg indicated that if still alive, he’d probably be interested. “I won’t even be a hundred,” he said, wagging his finger. “Just keep the Metamucil and Pampers flowing, and I’ll be there.” As for the future star of the sequel, the director weighed in on possible candidates. “Chris Pratt will be too old by then,” he observed. “And Bryce Dallas Howard will probably be totally washed up.”

Spielberg speculated that Amy Schumer’s new baby would make a great action hero twenty-five years in the future. “He’ll be the right age, and his name is Gene!” he gushed enthusiastically. “Could there be a more perfect name than that?”

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