President Trump Insists ‘Imcheapment’ Is a Congressional Fiscal Award

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At a campaign rally following his historic impeachment, President Trump flipped the script on his Democratic foes, claiming he had actually won a prestigious award.

“I’ve been imcheaped!” bellowed the president to an adoring crowd of over 5,400 fans at the Kellogg Arena in Battle Creek, Michigan. “Can you believe that? People are saying I’m only the third president in U.S. history to ever receive such an honor.” Trump paced the stage, mopping his brow with a handkerchief, before taking a theatrical bow. “Abraham Lincoln is looking down right now with great, great pride, believe me.” The president paused, considering his last line. “Or maybe up.”

Trump: Distractor-in-Chief

Known for his distraction techniques, Trump seemed to have mangled the word ‘impeachment’ so his base would think he had been given an award. “I’ll bet you’ve never heard of imcheapment, have you?” Trump asked the crowd. Hearing a smattering of cheers and whistles, he pointed to a blond female wearing a MAGA T-shirt in the front row. “Hey, D-Cup, come up here. Yes, you, get on up here, will ya? C’mon folks, let’s give her a hand!” Surprised, the woman reluctantly climbed the steps and soon stood next to the president onstage as the crowd egged her on.

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President Trump bragged at a Michigan rally that ‘imcheapment’ was a high honor bestowed by the House. Credit: Jackson A. Lanier [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/)
“What’s your name, sweetheart?” inquired Trump. “Emma,” she replied, giggling nervously. “Ok Emma, do you think handling money responsibly is a good thing or a bad thing?” The woman smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “I think it’s a good thing.”

The president raised his arms overhead as if signaling a touchdown, the crowd roaring with delight. “That’s right!” he shouted, doing a 360-degree turn and basking in the applause. “It’s a good thing, isn’t it? So if, say, I refuse to send $391 million of taxpayer money to a corrupt, socialist, son of a bitch Biden-loving shithole country thousands of miles away, am I being fiscally prudent? One might even say I’m cheap, right?”

Emma tittered awkwardly as Trump shoved the microphone in her face. “Um, yes?”

Once again, Trump’s arms raised high overhead. “You bet your sweet rack I am!” he howled. “I’m cheap! By imcheaping me, the do-nothing Democrats have bestowed upon me the highest honor in the history of our great country. Thank you, Nervous Nancy!”

McConnell on the spot

Trump then motioned for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell — backstage at the time — to join him. “Hey, Yertyle, show your face. C’mon, slow and steady doesn’t win the race, get your ass over here.” After McConnell joined him, the president grabbed his arm and held it up, eliciting more cheers from the partisan crowd. “What do you think about my amazing award?”

“Actually, Mr. President, I don’t know that … ”

“He agrees!” shrieked Trump. “Turtle Man thinks imcheapment is the greatest award in the history of our country! Better than a Congressional Medal of Honor, better than anything that kiss-ass Lindsey Graham ever got, better than anything anyone has ever received, ever!” Practically hyperventilating, the President belched “KAG!” repeatedly while the arena went absolutely nuts, chanting “IM-CHEAP-MENT!” over and over as he dramatically blew kisses, sexually accosted a flag and slowly left the stage.

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Credit: public domain.

Pelosi and Schumer respond

Hearing of Trump’s extraordinary take on the day’s events, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called the president ‘dangerously insane’. “Not only that,” she added, wagging a finger, “but his breath stinks, his stomach is fat, his feet smell, his hair is stupid and I hate him. As a practicing Catholic, even thought I don’t hate anybody, I hate his everlasting guts.”

Asked to comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer replied, “Um, what she said. Especially the feet part.”

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