Trump Declares War on Clean Energy, Threatens to Break Wind

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After issuing a wild screed against the wind, Donald Trump went further off the rails on Friday. In a largely incoherent interview with The Lucky Rock, the president declared war on renewable energy and vowed he would loudly and repeatedly break wind in order to defeat it. “I’ve broken plenty of harder things than wind,” he said, pantomiming snapping a chicken’s neck. “Horses, the law, my marriage vows, and many, many other things. I’ll break wind, believe me.”

Trump turned to the environment. “Clean energy is a big, fat hoax,” he asserted while polishing off a taco bowl. “God gave us dinosaur guts to burn for fuel, and that’s worked for million of years. Millions.” The president licked the last remnants of beans and cheese from the bottom of the bowl. “Who are we to question His divine wisdom?”

When the subject of wind power came up, Trump defiantly clenched his jaw. “I’ll absolutely break wind, and I’ll break it very, very strongly,” he declared. “The do-nothing Democrats won’t do it in public, but I sure as hell will.” After finishing crunching up the shell, the president shifted slightly in his chair and made a grunting noise. “You might even say that I’m breaking wind right now.”

Trump on wind

Trump’s hatred of the wind goes back nearly two decades, reaching new levels of incoherence during a recent speech at the Turning Point USA Student Action Summit. The leader of the free world made baseless claims about windmills polluting the atmosphere, bragging that he was an expert on the subject.

I know windmills very much, I have studied it better than anybody. I know it is very expensive. They are made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here, almost none, but they are manufactured, tremendous — if you are into this — tremendous fumes and gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right?” So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint—fumes are spewing into the air. Right? Spewing. Whether it’s in China, Germany, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything—right?

Tilting at windmills

During The Lucky Rock interview, Trump made a careful, considered analysis of wind power while simultaneously arguing the case for his re-election.

wind
After eating a taco bowl, a defiant Donald Trump promises to break wind. Credit: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/97/Middelgrunden_wind_farm_2009-07-01_edit_filtered.jpg

Wind is for the birds, ok? Everybody is saying it’s invisible and very, very weak. I have studied it better than anybody. Wind is weak! Why don’t they do anything about, you know, the stuff that’s happening? The do-nothing Democrats don’t want you to have stuff. Republicans will give you tremendous stuff, right? Have you ever tried Double Stuf Oreos? People are saying they aren’t really double stuffed, can you believe that? That’s why whether you love me or hate me, you have to vote for me, right? Because the Democrats won’t solve the Double Stuf Oreo hoax. It’s a hoax, believe me. The great Oreo hoax, bigger than Watergate, bigger than anything anyone has ever seen before, everything—right?

Public figures react

Asked to comment, public figures willing to talk on the record were unable to defend Trump. “The president is dangerously insane,” observed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Donald Trump is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted president in history. He also has bad hair, a stupid face, a fat stomach, his feet smell, his voice is annoying, he’s a jobbernowl and his knees look weird,” noted Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. “Your president is a blessing ignoramus!” thundered Almighty God.

Even Vice President Mike Pence couldn’t remove himself entirely from the fray. “Thanks, douche!” he snapped, sticking his middle finger defiantly into the air.

The Twittersphere

Twitter struggled to process Trump’s babbling.

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