Visitors to Pennsylvania’s Hershey Park rang in the new year witnessing Almighty God make a dramatic appearance to preach against the sin of overindulgence.
God appears
As Hershey Park visitors enjoyed the first day of 2020, the clear blue skies suddenly swirled with puffy, white clouds. Descending rapidly, the clouds steadily grew larger and darker, soon forming a discernible shape. As the winds died down, a triumphant rendition of “Hallelujah Chorus” emanated from the skies and the miracle was complete: a 400-foot chocolate bunny had materialized before their very eyes.
Bunny God reached His outstretched paw down to the ticket booth. “One please.” The petrified attendant obediently handed him a ticket, replying, “That’ll be $62.95.” Frowning, God felt around His pockets before answering, “Do you have change for a sheep?”
He speaks
Turning to matters at hand, God addressed the crowd. “HUMANS!” He roared. “It is I, Almighty God! I have come to Earth to discuss your shameful gluttony.” Stunned at what they had just witnessed, thousands of people dropped to their knees in worship.
The Lord gazed down upon His subject. “As most of you know, I am omniscient. For the Me-less heathens among you, that means I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake.” Momentarily overcoming their fear, hundreds of voices broke into collective song: He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake! “NO MORE RHYMES NOW, I MEAN IT!” God scolded. The crowd responded in unison, “Anybody want a peanut?”
Enraged, Bunny God emitted a Godzilla-like roar, eliciting screams and causing a large group of Japanese tourists to run for their lives. Clearing His throat, He chuckled to Himself, “I’ve always wanted to do that.”
Gluttony
The biggest lie of the campaign so far is the one where Trump''s doctor says he only weighs 236 pounds #TrumpkinSpice
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) September 18, 2016
The Lord began preaching to the kneeling parkgoers. “People, your society is replete with gluttony,” He proclaimed angrily. “Your own leader eats greasy fast food chicken and weighs in at what, 240 pounds? That’s blessing unhealthy!” Informed by a trembling woman that his weight is probably closer to 300 pounds, He bellowed, “WHAT?!! Who is he, Oliver Hardy?” He grumbled under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”
God continued. “You eat and drink far too much for my liking, especially with so many people barely able to feed themselves. Besides, Church’s Chicken is way better, and — bonus! — it’s named after my house.”
Great afternoon in Ohio & a great evening in Pennsylvania – departing now. See you tomorrow Virginia! pic.twitter.com/jQTQYBFpdb
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 2, 2016
“O God, the president says Mar-a-Lago serves the most beautiful chocolate cake,” cried a balding, middle-aged man. “The president says Mar-a-Lago serves the most beautiful chocolate cake,” mocked bunny God sarcastically. “Tell me what’s ‘beautiful’ about 95 grams of fat and 352 calories?”
God noted that the fat cats in Washington are too gluttonous to affect real societal change. “Your politicians would rather line their own pockets and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken than pass sensible gun laws, provide cost-effective health care, combat rising global temperatures or fight corruption.” He fumed. “And they have the nerve quote the most random Bible versus to justify themselves!”
The solution
The Lord opened a glowing Bible. “The Good Book has the answers to all of man’s challenges,” He stated. “In fact, Ezekiel 16:49 addresses this very subject.”
Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.
Bunny God closed the glowing Bible. “Ok, so perhaps that was a bit random,” He admitted. “Just pretend the part about Sodom and her daughters isn’t in there and do the rest, and you’ll be blessing blessed!” He cocked a chocolate eyebrow and said with a wink, “And thinner.”
With that, the Bunny waved goodbye before exploding in a flash of brilliant white light, returning the Lord to His throne in heaven.
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