Editor’s note: Admittedly, I am a tough movie reviewer. In the past, I’ve been critical of Yesterday, Bird Box and Zero Dark Thirty. On the other hand, I eagerly await the musical comedy remake of Apollo 13. So what did I think about Knives Out? Read on!
On the way to the theater to see an afternoon showing of director Rian Johnson’s new James Bond movie Knives Out, I was palpably excited. Daniel Craig was back as Bond! Even better, he would be flanked by an all-star cast including Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween), Chris Evans (The Avengers), Don Johnson (Miami Vice) and Christopher Plummer (whatever). No, Jamie Lee probably wouldn’t go topless and yes, Chris Evans is still a douchenozzle, but despite those flaws, this promised to be an epic romp.
Fast forward just over two hours later. Walking dejectedly to my car, a line from Harlan Thrombey’s daughter-in-law stuck in my craw. Why did they do all this? What was the point?
Putting it bluntly, Knives Out is the worst James Bond movie ever made. In fact, it was downright infuriating. To paraphrase Elizabeth Barrett Browning, let me count the ways.
Nix the southern drawl
I mean, come on, people. James Bond with a southern accent? Seriously?
There are those who will herald Johnson’s Americanization of James Bond as bold. I’m not one of them. James Bond should never, ever be portrayed as a country bumpkin. He simply cannot be Cletus the slack-jawed yokel and a steely-eyed secret agent at the same time.
This is a classic character, for God’s sake. You don’t devolve from Britain’s greatest secret weapon to the stupidest Columbo ever in one stinking movie. The southern drawl just made him sound lazy, and throughout Knives Out, he was. More on that later.
Speaking of Columbo, just one more thing. Isn’t James Bond always supposed to identify himself?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlP3Cxw0YpI
Bizarrely, Bond masqueraded as a doofus named Benoit Blanc, never once telling anyone he was James Bond! Hey Rian, I guess since you spell your first name like an entitled little shit, we shouldn’t expect you to know James Bond’s name, should we?
‘Knives Out’ had few knives
In today’s PC culture, violence is practically illegal. Neutered hipsters would rather use their words than smoke someone with a gun or knife like when we were kids. But even if Knives Out wasn’t going to be a 007 slasher movie, a Bond flick has to have battle scenes, right?
Wrong. There was one early moment involving a knife, and one near the end. Oh yeah, the family used knives to cut their food during dinner, so there’s that. Otherwise, they just talked. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Chase scenes
Give Johnson a tiny bit of credit for diverging from his screen version of The View long enough to add a chase scene involving Blanc (Bond), the villain and a hot chick. That’s right from the classic playbook, showing that he wasn’t willing to completely tear up the script.
But just one. With no bullets. No running around. No grenades, rocket launchers, laser beams, crashing cars, explosions or anything else cool. It was about as exciting as watching rhinos hump.
For the most part, Daniel Craig spends Knives Out standing around, yammering away in that infuriating southern drawl. Laziest. Bond. Ever.
My rating
There is much more to complain about in Knives Out. Why no classic Bond music? Where was M? How come Bond doesn’t nail a hot chick or three? Where on Earth is there someone under 80 named Walt? The list goes on and on.
I’ve got to end this rant somewhere, so I’ll do it right here. Knives Out deserves one knifeless, Bondless star.
* star
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and satire.
