Cory Booker Blames Low Poll Numbers on His ‘Boy Band’ Name

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While taking a break from the campaign trail, Cory Booker gave a frank assessment of the reason behind his low poll numbers.

“When you look at the leading Democratic candidates, you see that they all have one thing in common,” he commented to beat reporters. “Joe, Elizabeth, Pete and Bernie are names of people you can imagine being on your bowling team, taking out your garbage, or swabbing your pap smear.” Pausing to consider his last analogy, Booker continued, “They are everyday, everyman names, solidly middle-America ones. Same with the rest of the losers with no chance of winning running on the Democratic side. Other than Tulsi and whoever that Deval Patrick guy is, they’re as white bread as white bread can be.”

Booker
Senator Booker looking and sounding douchey while addressing a crowd of supporters. Credit: Senate Democrats [CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]
Turning to himself, he said, “And then there’s me. I have no chance of winning. Have you seen my poll numbers?” Booker frowned, making a circle with his thumb and forefinger. “None, zilch, zippo.”

Boy band name

Booker connected the dots. “Not only do I not have the name cache of most of my opponents,” he explained, “but I don’t really even have a name at all. “What were my parents thinking? I can’t imagine a more douchey name than Cory Booker.” Offering a wan smile, he added, “I sound like I should have been a 90’s boy band member. Not even the popular one, the one that ends up in prison.”

The New Jersey senator acknowledged that his campaign was doomed from the start. “You can’t have a president named Cory, you just can’t,” he said. “Can you imagine a national emergency with people running around crying, ‘President Cory, President Cory, please, please save us!'” He shrugged his shoulders. “It doesn’t work.”

With respect to his last name, he indicated it wasn’t any better. “What’s a Booker, besides ‘one who books’?” he asked rhetorically. “And ‘book’ is a colloquialism for ‘run’, so that makes me sound like a coward.” He nodded reflectively. “So there’s the message to the American public: I’m Cory Booker, the boy band criminal coward. No wonder nobody likes me.”

Booker cited the fictional James Marshall from Air Force One as the ideal president. “Now that’s a name people can sink their teeth into. Plus, he kicks ass.”

Booker’s next move

When asked where his campaign goes from here, the junior senator’s face wore a look of astonishment. “Where does my campaign go?” he repeated with incredulity. “I should have dropped out a long time ago! An actual cowardly boy band criminal could poll better than my two percent.” Booker lowered his voice and whispered, “I can’t tell you this, but off the record, I’ll be out of the race by the time my Crunchwrap Supreme finishes reheating.”

Key Democratic candidates weighed in on Booker’s fate. “Eighty percent of the top ten percent of the billionaire one percent control more wealth than ten percent of ninety percent of the bottom fifty percent,” raved Bernie Sanders. “I’m going to fight … for the right …. to party,” promised Elizabeth Warren. “Where am I?” asked a confused Joe Biden.

Trump weighs in

Asked for his response to Booker’s comments, President Trump replied, “I call him Bald Obama, did you know that? I do that because he’s bald and African American, and maybe he wasn’t born in this country. Some people are saying he wasn’t born here.” Trump shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know if that’s true or not, but people are saying it.”

Trump said that if Booker stays in the race, he’s got a rash of new nicknames at the ready. “Corn Pop Cory, Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries Cory, C-Word Cory, Cape Cod Cory, Captain Kirk Cory, Canada Dry Cory, Coca Cola Cory and Corned Beef Cory, and that’s just for starters,” the president bragged. “I’ve got a million of ’em, believe me!”

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