During a rambling interview with Sean Hannity last week, President Trump previewed his economic plan for the coming year. While blaming Barack Obama for the worsening national debt, the president vowed he would tackle a problem that he claimed should have been solved years ago. Trump then spent spent twenty minutes talking about chocolate cake, Hillary Clinton’s emails and deadly wind turbines, before circling back to the question.
Obama's wind turbines kill “13-39 million birds and bats every year!” http://t.co/33vZUrkKu2 Save our bald eagles, symbol of our nation!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 23, 2014
“We’re gonna go bankrupt, Sean,” the president said. “The United States will use our big, beautiful bankruptcy laws to get rid of Obama’s national debt.” Nodding affirmatively, he added, “And we’ll do it very, very quickly, that I can tell you.”
The Goldilocks principle
Trump insisted that despite being out of office for three years, the growing budget deficits and national debt were Obama’s fault. “President Obama was the worst president in American history,” he snapped. “He had a horrible name, stupid ears, and he never changed his underwear. People are saying he never changed his underwear.”
The national debt
Trump admitted that raising taxes isn’t an option to reduce the national debt. “I’d look pretty stupid, causing the debt to skyrocket by lowering taxes and then raising them to solve the problem,” he offered without a trace of irony. “And I’m not going to do that, because I’m a very stable genius.”
“A Very Stable Genius!” Thank you.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 14, 2019
Instead, the administration has been looking into alternative revenue sources. “For starters, we could allow advertising on goddamn everything, of which we’d get a 50% cut,” the president said, nodding. “We’d let companies sponsor hurricanes, place commercials in cell phone conversations, and allow refrigerators to play advertising jingles when opened.” Trump wore a smug look on his face as he pantomimed opening a refrigerator, singing, “One eight seven seven Kars 4 Kids.”
Other ideas under consideration include requiring Americans to tithe 10% of their income to the church of the United States, pay an ‘elimination fee’ when flushing the toilet, and ordering the Treasury to print trillions of dollars to use to payoff the national debt. “They’re all great, great ideas,” he bragged. “But then I thought to myself, those things take way too long. Why don’t we just go bankrupt instead?”
Liquidation plan
Trump indicated that when the U.S. files for bankruptcy, it would do so in a big way. “We’re not going to mess around,” he warned. “We’ll file next week, stop paying everything, and drag it out in the judicial system as long as possible. For years. We’ll take it to the Supreme Court if we have to.” He waved his hand, adding, “See you in court, numbnuts!”
Ultimately, the court would require a liquidation of assets, which the president indicated would be very easy to accomplish. “It’ll be just like a big, fat garage sale,” he said. “We’ll sell useless crap we don’t need anymore. You know, like the Fort Knox Bullion Depository, the strategic petroleum reserve, Alaska.” He paused for a moment, before correcting himself. “Make that California. They don’t rake their forests.”
The president divulged that he had ordered Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin to begin filling out the bankruptcy paperwork. “We’re going to solve this national debt problem, just like I promised when I ran for president,” he assured an astonished Sean Hannity. “I know a thing or two about bankruptcy — believe me.”
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and satire.
