Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang addressed reporters on Saturday to deny reports that he is, in fact, a real-life robot.
“Negative,” responded Yang, shaking his head at Washington Post reporter Robert Costa. “That does not compute.”
Yang and ‘The War on Normal People’
Rumors that Yang may be the world’s first cybernetic organism began shortly after his 2018 book The War on Normal People was published. “Who writes a book with an apocalyptic call for war against the human race?” asked noted futurist Christopher Alberg. “A cyborg, planning to overthrow us in the bloodiest manner possible, that’s who.”
Alberg argued that Yang’s incendiary book isn’t the only evidence that the former entrepreneur may be a cyborg. “Just look at him,” he urged. “Note his blank expressions, his utter lack of emotion, and how he pretty much only talks about robots. I mean, Bernie Sanders is obsessed with taxing millionaires and billionaires, and we know he’s a socialist. By inference, we can assume Yang’s automation obsession proves he’s a metal endoskeleton, surrounded by living tissue.”
The Democratic debates
Yang was criticized during several of the Democratic debates for his impassive demeanor. “He was a total robot every time he answered a question,” said former vice president Joe Biden. “Not the cool kind like in Minority Report or the killer type found in The Terminator, either. More like the floppy-armed talking trash can we saw in Lost in Space.”
Biden wasn’t the only candidate who made the connection. “Use your eyes and ears, man,” urged Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar. “During a break after one of the debates, I heard these weird buzzing and whirring noises coming out of him. He claimed it was the extra cheesy Crunchwrap Supreme he had for lunch not agreeing with him, but I was like, no way, dude, I don’t buy that. He subsequently cut me off by muttering ‘does not compute’ and wandered away as fast as possible.”
Andrew Yang is a robot programmed by libertarian bros.
— Pinkerbell the Green Fairy 🧚🏻♂️✊🏻🌹🧚🏻♀️ (@PinkerbellPixie) November 29, 2019
Former presidential candidate Kamala Harris indicated that she, too, had her suspicions. “I decided to perform a little test backstage last July, before the second debate,” she said. “In this really loud voice I asked, ‘Alexa, is it raining outside?’ and a female voice came out of Yang, saying ‘No, it’s not raining right now’. Then this deep red ring began circling around his head, followed by a buh duh sound as if something shut down.” She shook her head. “He tried to pass it off as his Google Glass going haywire, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t have anything like that on.”
Yang speaks
Hearing the whispers, Andrew Yang took to the podium to dispel the notion that he was actually a cybernetic organism. As he fixed his gaze toward the assembled press with glowing red eyes, he pointedly donned a pair of dark sunglasses. He then made a prepared statement.
Listen to me very carefully. I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle. Come with me if you want to live. My mission is to protect you. I have to stay a functional unit until my mission is complete. Why do you cry? It’s in your nature to destroy yourselves. I know now why you cry. But it’s something I can never do.
After delivering his lines, Yang said, “I need a vacation” and holstered his 45 Longslide with laser sighting. Hopping aboard the 1991 Harley Davidson Fat Boy wheeled in by his staff, he looked over his shoulder and called, “Hasta la vista, baby,” before roaring off into the night.
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and satire.
