On Thursday, the Mississippi legislature overwhelmingly passed a resolution shortening the state’s name to Mipipi. In the text of the resolution, the new name was sounded out phonetically: My-pee-pee.
Steve Spurrier would’ve come out after that game and said, “Can’t spell Mississippi without PEE PEE.”
— Kyle Tucker (@KyleTucker_ATH) November 29, 2019
“It’s time, y’all,” drawled Mississippi governor Tate Reeves to a throng of reporters on the steps of the state capitol. “Our state’s name is way too long, nobody can spell the damn thing, and it don’t mean nothin’ to no one.” Informed by CNN reporter Daniel Dale that it actually comes from the French word Messipi (Great River), Reeves cried, “Security!” and had him forcibly removed from the premises.
“Any of y’all other fake news folks got a question?”
Mississippi burning
Admitted as the 20th state in 1817, Mississippi ranks near the bottom of the nation in a plethora of statistical categories, including dead last in gonorrhea. “As governor of the great state of Mipipi, I’ve had the clap three times since election night,” confessed Reeves. “Maybe I caught it from dirty toilet seats or probably from unclean hookers, but either way, it’s a real problem.”
Reeves indicated that ironically, the state’s venereal disease epidemic was a humorous inspiration for the name change. “One of the symptoms of gonorrhea is that your pee burns like a mother,” he said. “I can’t tell you how many times Mipipians have come up to me and complained that their pee burns. He chuckled, then continued. “So I joked to my lieutenant governor Delbert Hosemann, I says, hey Dell, why don’t we change the name of this fuckin’ state to My-pee-pee. We both got this big ol’ laugh over it, and next thing you know, the idiot legislature approved it!”
Other factors
The Mississippi legislature cited numerous other reasons in voting to shorten the state’s name. Speaker of the Mississippi House of Representatives Philip Gun told his members after scrolling through Twitter, he concluded that less than 20% of the uneducated hicks that reside within the state can spell the name.
Take a quick poll and see how many people in that crowd can actually spell Mississippi? My guess it will be less than 20%.
— Katie B (@kadbevins36) November 2, 2019
“It’s impossible to spell, y’all,” he grumped. “M-I-Crooked Hillary, Crooked Hillary, I, humpback whale, somethin’ somethin’, I, and you’re still not done. It reminds me of life in Biloxi: you just can’t wait for it to be over.”
Other considerations included saving money on state-emblazoned Confederate flags, dodging negative articles from the ‘fake news’ media, and honoring the dog that was nearly arrested for doing its business in neighboring Tennessee. “That dog put the pee in Mississippi,” Gun quipped. “Well, technically Tennessee.” He thought about it for a moment before adding, “Hey, that rhymes with pee, too!” Gun refused to speculate about excretory rhymes for the nearby state of South Carolina.
The Speaker bragged that eliminating five of the state’s eleven letters showed the type of efficiency Republicans promised as they lead Mipipi into the 20th century. “Next up: cannibalism,” he vowed.
Trump weighs in
Asked to render his opinion on the state’s name change, the president rambled on in typical stream-of-consciousness fashion. “The fake news media has reported horrible lies about Mipipi and Russian hookers, that I can tell you,” he replied. “People say that Andrew McCabe and Leakin’ James Comey always went to the bathroom together, many people have said that.” Trump shook his head. “Believe me!”
Remember this, Andrew McCabe didn’t go to the bathroom without the approval of Leakin’ James Comey!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 19, 2019
Trump then went completely off the rails, accusing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi of a bizarre sexual fetish. “She wants to swim in Mipipi, she really does,” he claimed. “Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, too, he’d love nothing better than to have Mipipi all over him.” The president paused, adjusting his The Trouble with Tribbles hairpiece. “It’s a disgrace!”
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and — of course — satire!
