Following a 247-3 vote, the Paleontological Society passed a referendum acknowledging that most dinosaurs were, in all likelihood, delicious.
“There’s little doubt dinosaurs tasted amazing,” said noted American paleontologist Jack Horner, munching on a chicken wing. He pointed to the gnawed bone as Exhibit A. “Like all birds, chickens evolved from dinosaurs, and we know they’re finger-licking good. That proves dinosaurs were, too.”
Dino-delish
Horner listed the major considerations that went into the Paleontological Society’s historic vote. “We examined a wide range of characteristics,” he explained. “Aging, marbling, cut, eleven herbs and spices and a bunch of other factors. It was a good thing we finished before lunch, because all that talk about eating dinosaurs made us really hungry.” Horner wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, adding, “We appreciated the fact that they served a T-Rex’s great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchicken for lunch.”
The paleontologist reasoned that anecdotal evidence further proves the thesis to be correct. “What did dinosaurs eat? OTHER DINOSAURS! No animal would eat something that wasn’t objectively delicious.” Asked how dogs eating their own poop fit into that narrative, Horner replied with an irritated wave of his hand, “Whatever, we already voted.”
Other opinions
Several Paleontological Society members disagreed with the decision. “I don’t believe dinosaurs would have tasted all that great,” said paleobotanist Rudolph Serbet. “However, since my field is fossilized plants, I’m basically a vegetarian.”
Molecular paleontologist Mary Schweitzer — famous for having discovered preserved T-Rex soft tissue in 2006 — wholeheartedly agreed. “I ate a chunk of my discovery,” she confessed, placing her hands on her hips. “I peeled off a bit, sprinkled it with salt, warmed it in the microwave and ate it, okay?” Seeing the surprised looks on the faces of her colleagues, she offered, “It tasted like that nasty, pureed goo inside a Jack in the Box taco.”
Dinosaurs and extinction
Although the conventional wisdom is dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid impact 66 million years ago, Horner doesn’t subscribe to that theory. “It doesn’t add up,” he said. “First of all, I hated that stupid video game when I was a kid. Secondly, the meteorite landed in the Yucatan Peninsula, and unless they were all parasailing at the time, it would have missed them. Lastly, even if some were killed, what about all the Chinese dinosaurs on the other side of the world?” He shook his head. “The Earth’s a pretty big place, yo.”
The Chicxulub crater, on the Yucatan peninsula is believed to be the impact that killed the dinosaurs pic.twitter.com/7HOTwSCTFm
— Domenico Calia (@CaliaDomenico) October 22, 2019
Instead, Horner believes their own tastiness led to their demise. “Occam’s Razor says the simplest solution is usually the correct one,” he claimed. “Ipso facto, they ate each other up.” Asked what the last dinosaur did after all the others were eaten, Horner replied, “Who knows? Probably evolved into a possum or a caveman or something.”
Social media resonds
Following the vote, dino-geeks took to Twitter to voice their opinions as to whether or not dinosaurs were delicious.
Tonight only, for the low price of 350 toothpicks you can get yourself a delicious dinosaur
— SpaceForks (@SpaceForks) February 16, 2020
what happens if dino nuggets aren't actually made out of chicken but they're actually dinosaur meat????
— アシュ-𝔸𝕤𝕙 (@Only_Asher_) February 8, 2020
Is dinosaur meat considered poultry
— J (@The_Locked_Cap) February 9, 2020
Hearing of the renewed public interest in dinosaurs, Paramount Pictures reacted swiftly. “We’re planning another Jurassic Park sequel,” announced a spokesperson at a hastily-arranged press conference. “The working title is Jurassic Park: The Deadliest White Meat.”
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