Vowing to Stop Bernie Sanders, Rachel Maddow Joins Fox News

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On Tuesday, longtime cable news host Rachel Maddow stunned her millions of fans by revealing she was leaving MSNBC for rival Fox News. Maddow will make the switch on April 1st with the debut of her new show Maddog Maddow.

“After eleven pretty good years, I’ve decided it’s time to move on to greener pastures,” announced a visibly emotional Maddow. “And by ‘greener’, I don’t just mean money, although there will be truckloads of that.” The MSNBC host ruffled papers on her desk while composing herself. “Rather, I’ll finally have the opportunity to host the kind of show I’ve always dreamed about doing: attack journalism.”

Rise to stardom

Following the completion of her pointless dissertation entitled HIV/AIDS and Health Care Reform in British and American Prisons, Maddow confessed she never thought she would work in media. “I figured I’d end up as a corrections officer or a supermodel,” she admitted candidly. “I hoped I would put my PhD in a drawer, find a wife and settle down.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe raise a couple of gender fluid dogs.”

However, when MSNBC called on her in 2008, she jumped at the chance. “Wouldn’t you?” she asked rhetorically. “They paid me millions to simply read from a teleprompter.” Maddow straightened her bow tie, then continued, “Basically, I’m David Brinkley with shorter hair.”

Maddow
Rachel Maddow bears a striking resemblance to long-time newsman David Brinkley. Credit: NBC Television / Public domain

Maddow on Sanders

Asked why she chose Fox News — a network that promotes a completely opposite political view to hers — Maddow blamed the rise of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders. “Truth be told, Bernie must be stopped,” she said. “It’s the same freaking schtick every single time. He stands up at the podium in his rumpled Columbo clothes, and what does he do?” She clenched her fists and scowled, performing a mock impression. “Health care is a human right, billionaires shouldn’t buy elections, three families have more wealth than half of America, yada yada.” Maddow chuckled to herself, asking, “Did I get the flying spittle right?”

The former MSNBC host ended her diatribe with shots about Sanders’ hygiene. “He spits too much, his farts smell really bad and I’m pretty sure the last time he took a shower, The Golden Girls was still on the air.” She thought about it for a moment before adding, “He’s your worst grandpa.”

Maddog Maddow

Maddow said she was excited for the debut of Maddog Maddow. “We’re going to verbally beat the crap out of our guests,” she explained, rubbing her hands together with glee. “Mostly, it will be just me, but every now and then I’ll have Sean Hannity or Tucker Carlson on to really bring the heat.” She quipped, “Think of me as Jerry Springer with smaller breasts.”

Asked how her personal politics intersected with other Fox personalities, she replied, “We’re actually not that far apart. In the past, I’ve come across as this snooty member of the liberal elite, but in reality, I’m for unfettered access to guns, lower taxes, deregulation and a ban on abortions.” Maddow smiled, adding, “Oh yeah, global warming is a Chinese hoax!”

Fox hosts react

The reactions from Fox News personalities were mixed. “We’re hiring who?” asked an incredulous Tucker Carlson. “There is no goddamn way I’m working with that woman,” snapped Sean Hannity as he ducked into his dressing room. “Finally, we’ll have someone on air even bitchier than me,” asserted Laura Ingraham.

By contrast, long-time newsman Chris Wallace acted as a consummate professional, praising Maddow’s intelligence, grace and demeanor. Shortly thereafter, he tendered his resignation, announcing that he will be moving over to MSNBC to host his new show Wallace Being Built.

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