Month: March 2020

Mnuchin Says Space Force to Evacuate Millions of Americans to Wyoming

On Sunday, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin told Fox News Sunday that effective immediately, Space Force will begin evacuating millions of Trump voters to Wyoming. “We must prepare for the possibility that the battle with COVID-19 could last into the next election cycle,” said Mnuchin. “In that unlikely event, the president believes the best way to preserve […]

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The Congo Sends Troops, Witch Doctors to U.S. to Restore Order

Deeming it a matter of national security, the Congo has sent thousands of troops and witch doctors to the United States. The militia took positions in cities across America while witch doctors began treating caronavirus-afflicted patients. “We felt we must act quickly,” explained Congolese president Félix Tshisekedi. “The disease threatens to overwhelm America, which apparently […]

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Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on Bats

Blaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday. “I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump […]

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Trump Orders ‘Outbreak’ Star Dustin Hoffman to Save the Nation

Having tried abject denial, bald-faced lies and Windex, President Trump is reaching into his entertainment bag of tricks to tackle the coronavirus problem. After signing Executive Order 13989 into law, Dustin Hoffman is on the task. Outbreak Trump came up with the idea after watching the 1995 movie Outbreak with Vice President Pence in the Oval Office. […]

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Biden Promises to Select a Gender-Fluid Dog as First Pet

Immediately following the latest Democratic debate, Joe Biden made another promise likely to dramatically improve his standing with a key voting bloc: Millennials. “Number one, as I said during the debate, I’ll choose a woman as vice president,” Biden reiterated during an impromptu press conference. Shaking his fist, he vowed, “I’ll do it, dad gummit, […]

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CNN Officially Changes Name to Coronavirus News Network

After weeks of 24/7 coronavirus coverage, CNN is officially changing its name to Coronavirus News Network. “It’s the biggest story in world history,” proclaimed CNN chairman Jeff Zucker. “Bigger than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Harvey Weinstein’s perversion and Donald Trump’s perversion, times a billion. We’ve ordered our anchors to cover the outbreak at the expense of […]

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Trump Orders CDC to Use Windex to Stop the Spread of Coronavirus

During a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S. Trump talks coronavirus On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. […]

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Elizabeth Warren Drops Out of 2020 Race, Endorses Chief Standing Bear

On Thursday, Elizabeth Warren took to the podium to announce she was suspending her campaign for president. Following the bittersweet news, Warren surprised reporters by indicating she was ready and willing to offer her endorsement. In a twist worthy of an O. Henry ending, she endorsed Chief Geoffrey Standing Bear, leader of the Osage Nation […]

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God Appears as an Effeminate Bear to Preach About Income Inequality

Visitors to Disney World were surprised to see a glowing Pooh Bear appeared before them to discuss America’s growing income inequality. God appears As Disney World visitors enjoyed the evening at Animal Kingdom, a series of mid 1980s-style lightning bolts criss-crossed a desolate section of the park. The bolts quickly became frenetic and, shortly thereafter, […]

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