Visitors to Disney World were surprised to see a glowing Pooh Bear appeared before them to discuss America’s growing income inequality.
God appears
As Disney World visitors enjoyed the evening at Animal Kingdom, a series of mid 1980s-style lightning bolts criss-crossed a desolate section of the park. The bolts quickly became frenetic and, shortly thereafter, a large plasma sphere emerged. The sphere hung in the air for a moment before abruptly dumping its cargo into the shrubbery. As the sphere dissipated, a triumphant rendition of “Hallelujah Chorus” cascaded down from the heavens, the miracle complete. Winnie the Pooh God had descended to Earth with a clear mission on His mind.
Pooh God pulled out His iPhone and checked His Disney Experience Mobile App. “Damn, I’d better hurry or my Expedition Everest fast pass will expire,” He grumbled.
He speaks
Noticing the light show and celebratory music, thousands of patrons rushed over to see what was happening. Hurriedly, Winnie the God donned His signature red T shirt. As puzzled onlookers scratched their heads and dropped to their knees, He shrugged his shoulders and asked, “Didn’t you blessing people ever see The Terminator?”
The Lord gazed upon His subject. “HUMANS!” He roared. “I have arrived to talk about your income inequality problem. I could have beamed down to your planet like on Star Trek, but instead used the Terminator portal to honor your Disney Studios, so pay attention!” Informed by dozens of voices that The Terminator is a Paramount Pictures franchise, He pulled out a candy Valmet M82A bullpup assault rifle, eliciting hundreds of screams. “I’ve got a rumbly in my tumbly,” He said, gnawing on the peppermint barrel.
A Japanese tourist cried, “O, Almighty stuffed animal, are you machine washable?” Bear God replied, “I am not ‘Almighty stuffed animal’, I am the Lord God Almighty!” He checked His tag. “And yes, wash warm and tumble dry!”
Income inequality
While most Democrats just want stronger social programs and something done about income inequality, Bernie actually prefers real socialism, government control of industry. Don’t believe me? Read the DSA’s website in which they refer aspirationally to ending private enterprise.
— Evan McMullin (@EvanMcMullin) February 23, 2020
The Lord began preaching to the kneeling parkgoers. “People, your economy is skewed too favorably for rich folks at the expense of millions of losers,” He proclaimed angrily. “Your own leader earns over a million dollars a year in freebies and emoluments violations alone, which is a total disgrace!” Told by a Millennial in a man-bun that Trump’s total haul is more than $20 million since taking office, He bellowed, “WHAT?!! Who is he, Scrooge McDuck?” He grumbled under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”
God continued. “Most of you are making basically the same money you’ve been making for decades, while a few rich assholes are swimming in gold coins.” He picked shards of candy gun barrel out of His teeth. “Oh bother!”
“O God, the president says we have the greatest economy in the history of the world,” interjected a middle-aged man sporting a red MAGA baseball cap. “The president says we have the greatest economy in the history of the world,” mocked Winnie the God sarcastically. “Tell me what’s great about less than two percent growth and trillion-dollar blessing deficits?”
God noted that the politicians in Washington are too hopelessly fixated on tax cuts to reverse shrinking revenues which could otherwise help level the playing fields. “Your politicians would rather line their own pockets than pass sensible gun laws, provide cost-effective health care, combat rising global temperatures, fight corruption or curb gluttony.” He fumed. “And they have the nerve quote the most vague Bible versus to justify themselves!”
The solution
The Lord opened a glowing Bible. “The Good Book has the answers to all of man’s challenges,” He stated. “In fact, Matthew 6:26 addresses this very subject.”
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Winnie the God closed the glowing Bible. “Perhaps that was a bit vague,” He admitted. “I don’t suppose any of you out there eat worms, do you?” Hearing no responses, He said, “Well, here’s the point. Tell your blessing politicians to stop cutting blessing taxes so that there might actually be government funds and programs available to help your fellow Americans.” Bear God cocked an eyebrow, adding, “This isn’t the jungle, after all.”
At that moment, security showed up and replied, “No, it’s Animal Kingdom, and you’re disturbing the peace.” With that, they cuffed Bear Lord and took Him to Disney jail for processing.
my cousins got far too drunk, ruined a Christmas chocolate display at a four-star Disney World hotel and went to Disney Jail. the ONE BOOMER UNCLE without kids had to bail them out and they all pleaded to not lose their rooms pic.twitter.com/wgCSV6Nt8H
— Victoria Rose :3c (@riningear) June 9, 2019
Before being fingerprinted, a booming “Ha-Ha!” could be heard throughout the park and the Lord exploded in a flash of light, returning to His throne in heaven.
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