On Thursday, Elizabeth Warren took to the podium to announce she was suspending her campaign for president. Following the bittersweet news, Warren surprised reporters by indicating she was ready and willing to offer her endorsement. In a twist worthy of an O. Henry ending, she endorsed Chief Geoffrey Standing Bear, leader of the Osage Nation tribe.
Warren drops out
“It’s a sad day for me, my husband Bailey and my dog Bruce,” acknowledged Warren, taking a swig of a Michelob Ultra. Reminded by a reporter that her husband was Bruce and her dog Bailey, she replied, “Whoopsie! One too many beers for Lizzy!”
The Massachusetts senator blamed Bernie Sanders for the downfall of her campaign. “Rachel Maddow had it right,” she insisted. “It’s the same thing every damn time!” Warren mussed up her hair, hunched her shoulders and scowled, shaking her fist. “Three families own more wealth than half of America, health care is a human right, minimum wage should be a living wage.” She took another swig of her beer, shaking her head. “Give me a break.“
Warren promised she would rev up her campaign if circumstances changed, but that would likely only happen if both Sanders and Biden went senile between now and November. “Biden’s halfway there, and Bernie’s not far behind,” she said with a trace of hope. “But Statler and Waldorf will probably manage to hold on to the rest of their marbles between now and November.”
American Indianan
Fueled by dozens of Donald Trump tweets, Warren’s reputation has been damaged over the years by the controversy over her alleged Native American heritage.
Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren, who was going nowhere except into Mini Mike’s head, just dropped out of the Democrat Primary…THREE DAYS TOO LATE. She cost Crazy Bernie, at least, Massachusetts, Minnesota and Texas. Probably cost him the nomination! Came in third in Mass.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 5, 2020
The controversy flared up again last year when she claimed she unintentionally wrote ‘American Indian’ instead of ‘American Indianan’ on her Texas State Bar registration card in 1986.
“It was over thirty years ago,” said Warren, shaking her fist to emphasize her point. “I’d had dinner the night before with Bernie Sanders to discuss my wealth tax proposal and to plan a trip to the Soviet Union. We drank a little too much firewater and I woke up the next morning realizing I had been ‘feeling the Bern’, if you know what I mean.” She paused to compose herself before continuing, “I was so shaken and hung over that I was completely frazzled. I just messed up.”
Chief Standing Bear
With respect to her endorsement, Warren was effusive in her praise of Chief Standing Bear. “I’ve never met him,” she admitted, “But I believe he might be ready to lead our nation.” Asked to explain her rationale, she replied, “Like me, he’s a lawyer, having practiced law for 34 years. He’s in my home state of Oklahoma — go Sooners! — which I think we Democrats have a great chance of turning blue in 2020.”
Warren drained her beer, burped loudly, then continued, “But most of all, I think Standing Bear and the Osage Nation represent the kind of pushed down, kicked aside, forgotten people that my campaign proudly represented this election cycle. I wish the Chief were here right now so that we could take a bunch of beautiful selfies together.”
I just took the worst selfie with Elizabeth Warren. pic.twitter.com/FhFb3WAoYI
— Jay Welch (@welchjay) April 5, 2019
Reached at his Pawhuska, Oklahoma office for comment, Standing Bear was thoroughly nonplussed. “Who endorsed me for what?” he asked, scratching his head. Informed that Elizabeth Warren had endorsed him for president, he laughed and said, “Aye, that’s a good one!” Told it was not a joke, he replied, “Well, uh, you know, maybe if this tribal chief thing doesn’t work out, I’ll give it a thought, okay?” Standing Bear then indicated that he was late for his night job as head janitor at the Osage Casino and hung up the phone.
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