During a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S.
Trump talks coronavirus
On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. During the tour, epidemiologists discussed the coronavirus’ ultrastructural morphology and the difficulty of containing an aerosolized disease. “He had absolutely no fucking clue what they were talking about,” admitted a senior advisor, requesting anonymity so that she could speak candidly. “They tried and tried to get him to understand, but he had that same look on his face that he gets when the Professor builds a lie detector out of bamboo and radio batteries on Gilligan’s Island. He just stared ahead blankly and muttered ‘I don’t get it’ over and over again.”
Visibly bored with the tour, Trump began heaping praise upon himself.
“I’ve done a fantastic job containing the virus,” bragged the president to CDC officials. “There’s what, a few hundred cases in a country of hundreds of millions of people, right?” Trump smirked proudly. “That’s nothing!”
Trump claimed that this ‘good news’ proves he is fulfilling his campaign promises. “There are billions of infected idiots in China and Italy, and basically none here,” he said. “You can thank your favorite president for his great, great leadership along with Mike Pence’s prayer chain for stopping the virus in its tracks.
.@newtgingrich just stated that there has been no president since Abraham Lincoln who has been treated worse or more unfairly by the media than your favorite President, me! At the same time there has been no president who has accomplished more in his first two years in office!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 19, 2019
Windex cures everything
Following the visit, Trump started Marine One’s engines to drown out questions, then took questions from the press.
“Mr. President, besides masturbating, what are you doing to stop the spread of coronavirus?” shouted New York Times reporter Peter Baker over the roar of the helicopter engines. “What?” asked Trump, cocking an ear. “Speak up!” After Baker shrieked a more PG-version of his question, the president replied, “As I’ve said, we’ve got it totally under control. However, just to play it safe, I’ve ordered the CDC to use Windex to clean it all up. Totally clean things up.”
“Windex?” bellowed CNN’s Jim Acosta with astonishment. Trump glared balefully at Acosta before pointing his finger and snapping, “You are fake news!” After Fox’s John Roberts expressed similar skepticism, the president replied, “Look, I watched this documentary from almost 20 years ago, and it was proven over and over again that Windex cures everything.” Trump shrugged his shoulders. “Everything! So I said to myself, hey, we’ve got a cure for coronavirus in every supermarket in America.”
Roberts followed up by shouting, “How does Windex kill coronavirus?” Trump spent the next five minutes riffing against Hunter Biden, Hillary Clinton’s emails and windmills, before claiming, “It just cleans up the virus, ok? Watch the documentary and read the transcripts.”
READ THE TRANSCRIPTS!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 21, 2020
ABC White House correspondent Jonathan Karl hollered, “Isn’t that from My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” The president responded by claiming he didn’t recall the name of the documentary. “It might have been that, or maybe it wasn’t,” he said. “Either way, people are saying it cures coronavirus. Lots of people are saying that.”
The response
Hearing of Trump’s claims, noteworthy public figures slammed the president. “The president is dangerously insane,” observed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Donald Trump is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted president in history. He also has bad hair, a stupid face, a fat stomach, his feet smell, his voice is annoying, he’s a jobbernowl and his knees look weird,” noted Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. “Your president is a blessing ignoramus!” thundered Almighty God.
By contrast, Donald Trump Jr. gave a reasoned, eloquent defense of his father on Twitter.
TOLD YA!!!
— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) April 18, 2019
Twitter reactions
Surprisingly, Twitter users were generally supportive of Trump’s proposed solution to the coronavirus crisis.
McIrish: "Be careful going out in public, honey. The coronavirus…"
Me: "I'm here alone with eight boxes of pasta, on deadline and consider Windex one of the top 5 necessities in life.. I think I'm safe."Writers, we are uniquely suited to weather this storm.
— Kristan Higgins (@Kristan_Higgins) March 1, 2020
Noticing that my bottle of Windex states it kills 99.9% of germs.
I am about go all “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” on this Coronavirus. And, all of surfaces will be streak free. It’s win win situation.— RandManDallas (@RandDallas) March 6, 2020
Everyone used to call me crazy for doing Windex Shots.
Now who’s laughing.#CoronaVirus
— Jim Kelly (@JimmyFatDick) March 6, 2020
If the coronavirus scares you take a page from My Big Fat Greek Wedding movie and put some Windex on it! pic.twitter.com/xbQWSXDg4v
— Stefanie-Anne Austen (@austen_stefanie) March 8, 2020
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Little known fact: It’s actually an old home remedy from centuries ago, just like using Draino for constipation or snorting WD-40 for your arthritis. Science is so overrated – That weird uncle who always ruins Thanksgiving dinner on Facebook