After weeks of 24/7 coronavirus coverage, CNN is officially changing its name to Coronavirus News Network.
“It’s the biggest story in world history,” proclaimed CNN chairman Jeff Zucker. “Bigger than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Harvey Weinstein’s perversion and Donald Trump’s perversion, times a billion. We’ve ordered our anchors to cover the outbreak at the expense of everything else, because literally, there is no other news.” Zucker pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Once we came to that decision, it made perfect sense to change our name.”
CNN
Founded in 1980, CNN was the brainchild of maverick billionaire Ted Turner. “Ted was a media genius, but with all due respect, he was an idiot,” said Zucker. “I mean, at least Donald Trump shows a flair for the dramatic when he pins a label on something.” Zucker ticked off examples on his fingers. “You know, like ‘Little Marco’, ‘Pocahontas’, ‘Lyin’ Ted’ and ‘Low-Enegy Jeb’.” Zucker slapped his knee, chuckling to himself. “‘Low-Energy Jeb’, that’s classic.”
By contrast, CNN stands for Cable News Network, a name which Zucker made clear he hated.
“It’s awful,” he said. “I’ve heard people call Bunghole Liquors the worst business name ever created, but if you’re an ass man like me, it’s got a ton of sex appeal. By contrast, Cable News Network is something only a moron like Shia LaBeouf would come up with.”
Nomenclature
Zucker confessed that the network had been debating changing its name for years. “Our board has kicked it around,” he admitted. “We’d need a really tall ladder to change the CNN logo on the building, so we decided it was imperative to keep the same initials.” Asked to elaborate, he replied, “We considered swapping out the word ‘Cable’ with Clinton, Church’s Chicken, Clitoris, and hundreds of other options, but nothing really seemed get our motors going.”
It was the coronavirus that finally made the decision for them. “For years, we’ve tried to scare America with as much bad shit as humanly possible,” Zucker explained. “Trump’s an idiot, he’s going to nuke the world into the Stone Age, we’ll all be living in caves soon, that sort of thing.” He offered a wan smile. “Luckily, the coronavirus came around just in time for us to incessantly inform our viewers that they’re going to die on a 24/7 basis. Thankfully, we’re confident this one is going to stick.”
After seeing this, I wouldn't be surprised if he suggested squirting Windex on your loved ones to cure coronavirus. pic.twitter.com/FSqc0RSPx4
— Walter Shaub (@waltshaub) March 3, 2020
Filing with the FCC
Zucker said that CNN filed to change its name to the Coronavirus News Network this week, and hoped to obtain approval before the virus was brought under control. “It’s be pretty stupid to change our name after the outbreak was over,” he admitted. “That would kinda defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?”
The CNN chairman indicated that if the effort fails, Plan B will be to sell the network to Fox News. “We understand Rachel Maddow is heading to Fox shortly, and we hear Don Lemon, Anderson Cooper, Lawrence O’Donnell and that twerp Chris Hayes aren’t far behind.” Zucker shrugged his shoulders, adding, “The Trump cult is like the Borg — resistance is futile.”
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and — of course — satire!
