Biden Promises to Select a Gender-Fluid Dog as First Pet

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Immediately following the latest Democratic debate, Joe Biden made another promise likely to dramatically improve his standing with a key voting bloc: Millennials.

“Number one, as I said during the debate, I’ll choose a woman as vice president,” Biden reiterated during an impromptu press conference. Shaking his fist, he vowed, “I’ll do it, dad gummit, so help me I will.” Biden cleared his throat, before continuing, “Number two, unlike the pet-hating Orange Julius we have in the White House right now, I love dogs.” He looked up from his prepared script. “At home, I’ve got this cute as a bug’s ear German Shepherd named Major.”

Gender-fluid pet

Asked if Major would be his only White House pet, Biden was quick to respond. “Hell’s bells, no,” he barked. “My pal Barack had two dogs as president, as you probably know. Since everyone agrees voting for me is exactly the same thing as bringing my best friend in the world back to the White House, it’s imperative that I have two as well.”

CBS news chief Washington correspondent Major Garrett raised his hand. “Mr. Vice President, given your stated goal is to reflect true American diversity, will you commit to choosing a gender-fluid dog as First Pet?”

Biden looked up, flashing his signature grin. “You and my dog have the exact same name, did you know that?” After breaking the awkward silence with a self-conscious chuckle, he continued, “Yes, I will. There are a number of gender-fluid canines qualified to be my dog, and I promise to pick one to be First Pet.”

Fox News’ John Roberts expressed astonishment as he raised the next question. “Mr. Biden, do you really believe America wants a gender-fluid dog in the White House?”

The former vice president shifted at the podium. “Maybe not people my age,” he acknowledged. “Or yours, John. But the Millennials, Jiminy Cricket, they believe in that total malarkey about gender being a spectrum, and man, I really need their votes. Sure, I could guarantee those votes by picking Bernie as my running mate, but I already backed myself into a corner by promising to choose a woman.” He turned to his campaign manager. “That was on camera, right?” Told that it was, Biden shook his head. “Fiddlesticks!”

Democratic responses

Hearing of Biden’s remarks, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders didn’t mince words. “Clearly, the vice president is going after my damn voters,” he complained, spittle flying from his mouth. “Evidently, it’s not enough that he has the black vote, the Denny’s early bird special patrons and everybody else but the Millennials. That’s not good enough for you, is it, Joe? What kind of political revolution has no voters whatsoever?”

Elizabeth Warren chimed in as well. “This is why I’ve endorsed Chief Standing Bear as our next president,” she said. “The vice president has been pulled so far left that he makes me look like a centrist. As for Senator Sanders … ” She hesitated, her voice trailing off. “I’ll never get over the fact that we drank firewater together back in the 80s and I got caught ‘feeling the Bern’, if you know what I mean.”

Trump chimes in

Always eager to control the narrative , President Trump weighed in on the controversy, attempting to pander to the Millennial voters by blaming dogs for the accelerating climate change.

I know dogs very much, I have studied them better than anybody. I know they are very expensive. They are made by other dogs mostly, very few made here, almost none, but they are born, tremendous — if you are into this — tremendous fumes and gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right?” So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint—fumes are spewing into the air. Right? Spewing. Whether it’s in China, Germany, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything—right?

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