Having tried abject denial, bald-faced lies and Windex, President Trump is reaching into his entertainment bag of tricks to tackle the coronavirus problem. After signing Executive Order 13989 into law, Dustin Hoffman is on the task.
Outbreak
Trump came up with the idea after watching the 1995 movie Outbreak with Vice President Pence in the Oval Office. “It was a double header,” he explained to a cadre of reporters. “We watched I Cream of Jeannie first, and after Mike stopped hyperventilating, put in that old documentary Outbreak.” Trump nodded his head approvingly. “The first one had better nudity, that I can tell you.”
The president claimed that despite not being a porn flick, he really liked Outbreak. “It was an incredible documentary,” he said. “Dustin Hoffman may have a big nose, but he’s also got a huge, round pair of cajónes, believe me. He and the black guy saved America, and they did it very, very quickly.”
After watching Hoffman risk life and limb to develop an antiserum in a few short days, Trump concluded that listening to his scientists was a bad idea. “Science is stupid,” he claimed, looking directly at the sun. “All the government eggheads are saying it will take at least a year to develop a vaccine, and yet it took Dustin Hoffman like a week to come up with one in Outbreak.” Trump furrowed his brow. “Drain the swamp!”
Executive Order
Immediately following the movie, the president picked up the phone and called new Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. “He thought I was calling to fire him,” said Trump. “I told him, look, that’s not going to happen for at least a couple of months, so relax, dumbass.”
He and Meadows discussed drafting an Executive Order to appoint Dustin Hoffman as ‘Bug Czar’ and order him to find a cure for COVID-19. “Mark is very very smart, but he’s an idiot,” snapped Trump. “He kept telling me we didn’t have the legal authority to do that, and I finally told him to stick his legal authority up his ass and do my bidding. Finally, he said ‘Yes, master,’ licked my boots, and left the room.” The president shrugged his shoulders. “Twenty minutes later, it was done.”
Hoffman responds
Hearing of his appointment as Bug Czar and the contents of Trump’s Executive Order 13989, Dustin Hoffman chuckled, cocking an eyebrow. “You’re kidding, right?” Informed by reporters that Trump believed Outbreak was a documentary and that Hoffman had actually eradicated a deadly virus, he replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”
Ultimately, the venerable actor — his reputation in tatters after five women made accusations of inappropriate behavior — confirmed he’d answer the call, but only on his terms. “I get a couple of young actresses to rub my feet every night and talk dirty to,” he said. “And a bunch of dresses to wear when I’m in that kind of mood.” Hoffman scratched his head, thinking it over. “Oh, and a Subaru full of blow-up dolls. That’s non-negotiable!”
We take a Subaru Impreza with a cabin full of blow-up dolls and driven by Dustin Hoffman, to Ixworth
— Top Gear articles (@TopGearFeatures) April 11, 2018
Trump agrees
After negotiating with Hoffman directly, the two quickly struck a deal. “He tried to drive a hard bargain, but I’m the guy who wrote The Art of the Deal,” bragged Trump. Reminded that he actually didn’t, he shot the reporter an icy stare and ordered Secret Service agents to usher him out of the room. “Anyway, a couple of chicks, a few dresses and a bunch of blow-up dolls are a pretty cheap price to pay to save the country and rescue my presidency.” Trump smirked, looking at his watch. “We’ll probably have this coronavirus thing all wrapped up before I take my evening dump.”
Upon hearing of Trump’s braggadocio, Hoffman laughed. “He got the better end of the deal?” he asked incredulously. “That dumbshit still thinks Outbreak was a documentary.”
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