Blaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday.
“I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump moments after signing Executive Order 13909. “Bats are now totally illegal in our country.”
‘Eat bunnies, not bats’
Trump’s order came after perpetual screw up-turned-coronavirus-expert Jared Kushner turned in a report blaming China for the pandemic. Specifically, Kushner concluded that McBat sandwiches served at over 2,000 Chinese McDonald’s were the source of the disease.
A leaked excerpt from the report:
Dude, if you eat eat bats you’re gonna suffer the consequences. They’re stringy and gross and there’s like no way you’re not going to become ill after chowing one down. Have you ever boofed a beer without hurling? It’s the same thing when eating a bat — you’re going to get sick! That’s what happened to the Chinese idiots who ate those sandwiches, and now they’ve sneezed all over the rest of the world. Stupid Chinese.
“Jared’s done a fantastic job figuring how who to blame for this disease,” crowed Trump. “For us to not have thousands of Chinese and then millions of regular people sick in our country, we need to kill the bats. All of them. The do-nothing Democrats want to save the bats and hate America.” Trump sniffed deeply before concluding, “Where’s Hunter Biden?”
Addressing individuals who prefer eating exotic animals, Trump said, “Eat whatever the hell you want, except for bats. There are plenty of other wild animals, ok?” Asked to suggest alternatives, he responded, “How about horses, frogs, and rabbits, just for starters? In fact, that’s our new anti-coronavirus slogan: Eat bunnies, not bats.”
@Y108Rocks I should be #MayorOfSabbathTown cause i eat the head of chocolate Easter Bunnies first. Its not a live bat but badass nonetheless
— James From Cambridge (@BassFishin4Fun) April 8, 2014
Press conference
Following the ceremony, the president took questions on the White House lawn while the engines of Marine One roared in the background.
Peter Baker of The New York Times shouted, “Mr. President, is it true that you’ve ordered the CDC to use Windex in the fight against the virus?” Trump nodded his head in agreement. “Look, Windex cures everything. Everything! People are saying that, lots of people have said that it works beautifully. I call it big, beautiful Windex, that I can tell you.”
After Trump paused his rambling, CNN’s Kaitlan Collins chimed in. “Mr. President, why would you stand on a balcony next to the Easter Bunny and talk about eating rabbits? Aren’t those terrible optics for America’s children to see?” Trump glared at her and replied, “That’s a very nasty question. You’re hot, but not quite hot enough to grab by the bunny.” He looked away in disgust. “Next question!”
Batmen
The president indicated that Kushner will assemble a bat force charged with eradicating all bats in the United States. “I think it’s a fantastic idea,” he gushed. “Not only will we create thousands of jobs hiring batmen, but with all the schools closed, we can pull money from education to pay for it and finish the wall while we’re at it. By the time we’re done, we’ll make the wall so high and so powerful that neither bats, coronavirus nor Mexicans can get over it.”
Asked what would come of the millions of bat carcasses as a result of the initiative, Trump offered a smirk. “I’m a businessman, so we’ll make money selling the meat to other countries, believe me.” He paused, thinking it over. “People are saying the Chinese love to eat them.”
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