Deeming it a matter of national security, the Congo has sent thousands of troops and witch doctors to the United States. The militia took positions in cities across America while witch doctors began treating caronavirus-afflicted patients.
“We felt we must act quickly,” explained Congolese president Félix Tshisekedi. “The disease threatens to overwhelm America, which apparently is overrun with bats. After that, it could board a plane, land in the Congo, ride a mule and end up at my hut, where I might eat it.” He licked his lips. “For my protection and that of the Congo, we have sent military and humanitarian aid to the Great Satan.”
The Congo is battle-tested
Tshisekedi said he believed the Congo is uniquely qualified to assist the U.S., which has allegedly mismanaged the epidemic.
“We’ve been fighting infectious diseases for hundreds of years,” he offered matter-of-factly, lighting a cigarette. “HIV, Ebola, Malaria, toenail fungus, swamp ass, crotch rot and many other terrible illnesses. Our witch doctors will ju·ju dance, perform voodoo and use leeches to fight the coronavirus.” He took a drag, exhaling slowly. “Leeches — that’s some pretty good shit right there, man.”
While filming in the Congo, the cast and crew of "The African Queen" encountered leeches, snakes and other creatures not typically found on Hollywood sound stages. Movies were rarely shot on location in 1951, making the John Huston film an industry pioneer. pic.twitter.com/CCobikq0Wd
— The Academy (@TheAcademy) January 11, 2019
The Congolese leader touted his military as a key part of the Congo’s two-pronged strategy. “Every few years we’re in another idiotic war with someone nobody’s ever heard of,” he grumped. “The last one was the Kamwina Nsapu rebellion, whatever the fuck that was.”
Snuffing out his cigarette, he added, “However, all those conflicts have toughened our conscripted militia, at least the ones that weren’t hacked to death. Thus, we are qualified to keep the peace in America’s cities while we occupy their land.”
Efforts to form a coalition
Before acting unilaterally, Tshisekedi indicated that he first tried assembling a peacekeeping force of African nations.
“There were many problems,” he confessed. “For starters, all the countries keep changing their names, which makes it very difficult to use speed dial.” He ticked examples off on his fingers. “Burma is now Myanmar, Rhodesia became Zimbabwe, and for some reason, I changed us from Zaire to the Congo.”
The Congolese president snapped his fingers. “Oh yes, and then there is Swaziland, which is now called eSwatini. Why? Because — you’re not going to believe this shit — people confused it with Switzerland.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Seriously.”
Why Swaziland king changed his country’s name to eSwatini: “Whenever we go abroad, people refer to us as Switzerland”
Many People have been confusing Swaziland for Switzerland. pic.twitter.com/kxCGDl9wa3
— Atanas (@_Atanasi) March 26, 2020
Africa hates Africa
A second, bigger problem was the fact that African nations detest one another. “Take Swaziland, eSwatini, whatever the fuck it’s called today,” he said grimly. “They almost went to war with Mozambique arguing whose flag is stupider.”
The diplomatic incident was sparked by President Nyusi’s remarks during his keynote speech at the 2019 Stupidest Flags of Africa conference in the children’s play area of the Mbabane, Swaziland McDonalds. Addressing the eleven conference attendees, Nyusi railed against the Swazi flag, calling it ‘a testicle skewered by spears’.
These Swazis, I just cannot understand. They call themselves “bakaNgwane” which one can barely say and no one can spell. Why is the N capitalized? That is just wrong! And that flag, that horrible, terrible flag. It looks like a testicle skewered by spears. What are those three blue patches, Smurf pubic hair? Their flag is very stupid, much stupider than ours!
Raising his hand in salute, Tshisekedi pointed to the Congolese flag atop the Kinshasa Institute for the Criminally Insane and whistled with admiration. “It’s almost as good as porn!”
Timetable for departure
Assuming the occupation force doesn’t overthrow the U.S. government, Tshisekedi felt troops wouldn’t leave for months. “If spring break partiers keep ejaculating all over one other, this may take a while,” he said, a wry smile crossing his face.
The president offered a glimmer of hope. “On the other hand, leeches are truly magical,” he breathed, a starry look in his eyes. “They give the phrase ‘you suck’ a whole new meaning.”
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